jokes bad or otherwise.

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

"I know ," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint, my sex drive is too high. Do you have anything you can do for that, Doctor?"

The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.

"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."

"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"

"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doctor," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can." :08:
 
Peripheral said:
Christmas tree? Decorations? Tinselitis? You must be crackers.:D
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Have Dick and yourself been opening the Xmas Crackers early to get the mottos/jokes you have posted if so you have both I'm afraid contravened Claus 6 paragraph 2 of the Christmas agreement " No party should preempt Christmas by quoting anything related to the Festival during the Summer Months." Sorry but you will be punished it would be futile to hang up a sock or stocking on Christmas Eve as sadly you wont receive a visit . :eek::frown2::08:
 
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captain clutterbuck said:
Have Dick and yourself been opening the Xmas Crackers early to get the mottos/jokes you have posted if so you have both I'm afraid contravened Claus 6 paragraph 2 of the Christmas agreement " No party should preempt Christmas by quoting anything related to the Festival during the Summer Months." Sorry but you will be punished it would be futile to hang up a sock or stocking om Christmas Eve as sadly you wont receive a visit . :eek::frown2::08:
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Hey Dick, according to the Captain we have contrawhatsit something or other and will not be getting any pressies this Christmas. Heck, I've just used that Xmas word again. Does this mean that my presents will excommunithingied for two years? I can't see the problem, according to Clegg Christmas starts in July. :oops:
 
captain clutterbuck said:
No I shall just scold thee with an equally bad joke aaargh!

If you take the P out of the Pirate it just makes him Irate [groan] :tw:
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You have me stuck now. I was going to say add a G to the irate to make you turn, girate but that needs a Y. I E gyrate. I suppose you could say girate is just one bad turn. :13::D:D:D
 
You say Tomato I say Tamayto ........................ lets call the whole thing off ........................ and get back to the jokes :)

Bobby Hutton calls into work and says, " Hey Boss , I am not coming to work today, I am really sick. I have a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt so I am definitely not coming to work."

The boss says, " I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and say can we please have sex . That makes everything better and I go to work. Why don't you try that."

Two hours later Bobby calls again. "I did what you said and boy do I feel great. I'll be at work soon ........................ by the way you have a great house!
 
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
" Couple of minutes ago." :08:
 
captain clutterbuck said:
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?"
" Couple of minutes ago." :08:
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Thanks for the laugh. I needed that. You know, it's the way he tells 'em.
 
Landrover- Jaguar, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make £400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy £1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that "£$%^ slacker did here?"

From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
 
A store that sells husbands has just opened in London , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building !!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

However , still she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day! :08::)
 
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