jokes bad or otherwise.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was naturally or bottle fed.

"Naturally fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist,I need to check that the baby is able to feed from you correctly " the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, and rubbed the area for a while, in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but boy am I glad I brought him !" :eek::)
 
A Duck walks into a Bar and asks " A glass of you best beer please"

The Barman is a bit stunned and asks " Where did you come from"

The Duck replies " I work at the construction site over the road"

The Barman says " Why waste your time there surely you can make more money in the Circus or on TV ? "

The Duck responds " Who'd want to watch a Duck Decorator it would be like watching Paint dry ! "
 
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me! :tw:
 
Julie began her job as an elementary school councillor and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Julie approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Julie noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Julie offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Julie then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalkeeper!!"
 
A New Yorker walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The Salesman recommends the top of the line model. The New Yorker is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the New Yorker says, "What the hell's that noise?"
 
A scruffy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
 
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother.

Something then fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages.

"Mum, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's Boxer Shorts!!!!"
 
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"
 
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