jokes bad or otherwise.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
 
A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chilli. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chilli." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chilli is finishing a rather large meal and the chilli bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chilli and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chilli back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too." :eek2::eek:
 
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...

The Man answers but says "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

The woman replies "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

He asks "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

She replies "Well, the air bag works..." :30:
 
A recent letter to an Agony aunt :08:

Dear Marjorie ,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.

I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the Golf Superstore?

Signed...
Concerned Golfer
 
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38-24-36 figure . When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God !!"
:eek2: :08::fp:
 
:eek2:
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual check up. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the smell and feel of soil!"
 
A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a Bishop baptising people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Bishop

'No I haven't but are you sure this is where JESUS fell in?' :08:
 
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident." She turns to
her husband and says "That's horrible!!! So many men dying like that!"
After a few minutes, she asks, "How many is a Brazillion ?"​
 
A blonde and a brunette are sitting in a bar and watching the 11:00 P.M. news. A man is standing on the ledge of a high-rise building, contemplating suicide.

The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you £20 that the man jumps off that building and commits suicide."

The blonde thinks for a moment then replies: "OK, you're on!"

They watch for a few minutes and sure enough, the man jumps off the ledge. The blonde sighs and reaches for her wallet, but the brunette stops her, saying: "I can't take your money - I feel too guilty. I have to confess that I watched the 6:00 P.M. news this evening and I knew that the man would jump.

The blonde replied: "Oh! I watched the 6:00 P.M. news too, but I didn't think he'd jump off again!"
 
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