jokes bad or otherwise.

So Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe.
Having not had a meal since he’d left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn’t take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of blood out of him.
Now Dracula was faced with a problem. “How do I dispose of this body?” he wondered. The only solution he could come with was to throw the corpse out the window. “I’m so high up, they’ll never trace the body back to me. Haha,” he cackled. So – whoosh – out the window went the corpse.
It just so happened that right below that window was the customary station of an itinerant street singer. Bang! The singer got hit right on his noggin by the falling body and was knocked unconscious.
Back in his hotel room Dracula was in the mood for “dessert,” so he rang room service and asked the front desk to send up another town constable.
Ten minutes later the policeman arrived and Dracula invited him in. As soon as the door shut, Dracula pounced and devoured his fresh and steaming “dessert.”
Again the count wondered “How do I get rid of the body?” and then thought, “Well, it worked once. Why not again?” So out the window went his latest victim.
At that moment the street singer below had just regained consciousness and was wondering what the heck was going on. His consciousness didn’t last long, however, as he was instantly knocked out cold by Count Dracula’s second victim.
Sometime later the singer woke up and saw that a small crowd had gathered around. As he regained his bearings, one of the onlookers asked, “What’s happened here?”
“It’s terrible,” sang the street singer. “Drained cops keep falling on my head!”
 
dick said:
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter ?...……….Pumpkin pi.:fp:
Click to expand...


Here's another Pi[e] joke for you Dick ............ A man went to Jamaica where he had Apple Pie and Cream cost him $3 he went to Bermuda and the same dessert cost him $3.50. He then went to Barbados where it was $3.70 but by far the best was St Lucia where it was only $2.50 so the costs were all different but that's the Pie rates of the Caribbean for you :fp::tw:
 
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a seller, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the Grim Reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The Grim Reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The Grim Reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the Grim Reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The Grim Reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."

The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

It's unbelievable.

The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

The winner is obvious. The Grim Reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."

The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death." :tw::fp:
 
My father and I went shopping. When we got out of the shop, a policeman was writing a parking ticket. My father told, "Come on, cut some slack here, we just went out for a few minutes." The policeman didn't seem to care and continued writing.

So my father called him a dollup. So now policeman started writing one more ticket for a broken brake light. My father then called him a tosspot. So policeman wrote a ticket for broken mirror. This went on for 20 minutes with lots of tickets piled up.

Just then our tour bus arrived, we got on it and off to Brighton we went
 
A man wakes up on the 7th July. When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 different people. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when he notices that he has to go to the 7th floor of a building located in 7 Ann Street , 7 minutes away from is home. He thinks that this is probably the biggest coincidence he has ever seen in his life and laughs for a few seconds.

After that, he wants to check how much money he has left, so he starts counting how much there is in his wallet. And to his surprise, he notices that he has exactly 77 pounds in notes and coins. He thinks that this is much more than a mere coincidence, and that today is his lucky day. So instead of going to work, he decides to drive to the nearest bookies to bet on a horse.

He waits for the 7th race of the day then bets all of his money on the horse N°7.

The horse finishes seventh :eek::cry2:
 
A man is having his annual check up at the Doctors and the Doctor asks him about his physical activity to maintain his fitness.

The man replies “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,“You must be one hell of an adventurer ”

”No,” the man replied, “I'm just a bloody awful golfer.”
 
An elderly man and his wife went to church on Remembrance day, November 11th. After the service the vicar comes up to them and says he noticed they weren't singing the hymns. He asks them why, and the man told him that he and his wife were a quite deaf. "We couldn't hear the choir" he said. "The Ah-missed-us!"
 
A French, English and Italian Spy are sent to Russia to spy on what Putin is up to .

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.

But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.

"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk." :cool2:

In a two for one special offer on Spies

It has been reported that a famous English spy has fallen on hard times and has been found sleeping rough on the streets of London . The reporter who unearthed him approached him and asked if it was in fact true and what his name was to which the man replied " Sadly it is , the name is Bond ............................ Vagabond!" :08::cool:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top