jokes bad or otherwise.
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captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.
She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologised.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.
She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologised.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
My cousin opened a business building yachts in his attic.
Sails are going through the roof.
Sails are going through the roof.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
So Mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics and a sewing kit. He thinks to himself,
“Thith will work!”
He’s in his hotel room sewing away and reading to hieroglyphic book. He gets to the last page of the book and sees that the last symbol is scratched out of the book! In that very moment of mild frustration he accidentally sticks himself with the needle. He yells,
“Yowsah! I’m just mithing a thymbol!”
“Thith will work!”
He’s in his hotel room sewing away and reading to hieroglyphic book. He gets to the last page of the book and sees that the last symbol is scratched out of the book! In that very moment of mild frustration he accidentally sticks himself with the needle. He yells,
“Yowsah! I’m just mithing a thymbol!”
Peripheral
Dedicated Member
That ith tho funny. You thilly man.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
An extremely Rich man is sitting contemplating his immense wealth .
He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.
He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini , he then spends the next 2 hours driving around, showing off his car, and waving to pedestrians.
Nearing the end of his day, he parks in a restaurant parking lot and gets out but suddenly another car slides into the space next to him and rips the door clean off!
The man, infuriated, yells in anger and whips out his phone and dials 999. He yells at the Officer saying, "This man just ripped the door clean off my new Lambo! I demand you send an officer! Arrest him! Lock him up!"
The Officer replies, "Sir, um, this kind of issue doesn't deserve a 999 call—"
"No! I paid very good money for this car and I demand you send an Officer at this instant!"
"Alright sir, he's on his way."
When the Officer arrives, the rich man is already all up in the Officer's face, exclaiming how this ignorant man destroyed his new car.
The Officer yells back, "You disgust me! Your materialistic traits have kept you from realising that not only did the door get torn off the car, but so did your arm!"
The man looks down at his arm and exclaims, "Oh no, my good Rolex gone aaargh !!"
He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.
He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini , he then spends the next 2 hours driving around, showing off his car, and waving to pedestrians.
Nearing the end of his day, he parks in a restaurant parking lot and gets out but suddenly another car slides into the space next to him and rips the door clean off!
The man, infuriated, yells in anger and whips out his phone and dials 999. He yells at the Officer saying, "This man just ripped the door clean off my new Lambo! I demand you send an officer! Arrest him! Lock him up!"
The Officer replies, "Sir, um, this kind of issue doesn't deserve a 999 call—"
"No! I paid very good money for this car and I demand you send an Officer at this instant!"
"Alright sir, he's on his way."
When the Officer arrives, the rich man is already all up in the Officer's face, exclaiming how this ignorant man destroyed his new car.
The Officer yells back, "You disgust me! Your materialistic traits have kept you from realising that not only did the door get torn off the car, but so did your arm!"
The man looks down at his arm and exclaims, "Oh no, my good Rolex gone aaargh !!"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A British Airways flight has just taken off and the Captain comes on the intercom . " Welcome aboard your flight to New York the expected flight time is 5 hours 20 minutes so lease sit back , relax and enjoy your flight , OH MY GOD!”
Silence followed..... complete silence...
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I frightened you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
Silence followed..... complete silence...
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I frightened you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
Did you hear about the explosion at the French Cheese Factory?
All that was left was de Brie.
All that was left was de Brie.
Peripheral
Dedicated Member
I saw two big kids on a two-person bicycle trying to run over ducks. I caught 'em and tandem.
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
So Peri, were you once on staff at Utterthwaite Postal University?
Peripheral
Dedicated Member
Yes EE, actually I was once a student there at UPU. If I ever did anything wrong Seymour would glare down at me and say 'UP U' you horrid little manSo Peri, were you once on staff at Utterthwaite Postal University?
'...
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A sailor gets shipwrecked on his around the world trip and manages to swim ashore to a remote island..
He writes to his wife and tells her "I miss you so much, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous island woman every day. I need something to keep my mind off of them so I don't cheat."
The wife responds with a package and a letter that says "I miss you, too, and I have a solution to your predicament. I've sent you an accordion; focus on learning to play it, and that will give you something to focus on besides beautiful island women."
Months go by, and finally the sailor returns home. He tells his wife he's missed her so much and can't wait to get her to bed and ravage her.
"I've missed you, too, honey. But first, play me a song on your accordion."
He writes to his wife and tells her "I miss you so much, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous island woman every day. I need something to keep my mind off of them so I don't cheat."
The wife responds with a package and a letter that says "I miss you, too, and I have a solution to your predicament. I've sent you an accordion; focus on learning to play it, and that will give you something to focus on besides beautiful island women."
Months go by, and finally the sailor returns home. He tells his wife he's missed her so much and can't wait to get her to bed and ravage her.
"I've missed you, too, honey. But first, play me a song on your accordion."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
No pun intended but the subject of this joke is distasteful so apologies in advance but I think its quite funny :-
A tramp walks into a bar and asks the Barman for a toothpick.
The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The tramp then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?"
The tramp replies "Well, someones been sick outside and all the best bits have gone."
A tramp walks into a bar and asks the Barman for a toothpick.
The barman sees no harm in this and so gives him a toothpick. The tramp then leaves the pub.
A couple of minutes later another tramp enters the bar and asks for a toothpick. The barman obliges and the tramp goes on his way.
The same thing happens three more times in the next 10 minutes. The barman is perplexed. another tramp walks in, this time asking for a straw.
The confused barman's curiosity gets the better of him so he asks "For the last quarter of an hour, tramps have been coming in asking me for toothpicks, then you come in asking for a straw. Why?"
The tramp replies "Well, someones been sick outside and all the best bits have gone."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A couple are going out for the night they are all dressed , filled their wallet and purse with cash , put the dog out etc.
The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her backside downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not crap in the vegetable garden again."
The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her backside downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not crap in the vegetable garden again."
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
My cousin hates puns.
He's just laughtose intolerant.
He's just laughtose intolerant.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Two painter and decorators are painting the outside of their local church .
They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.
A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.
"Repaint and thin no more !!"
They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.
A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.
"Repaint and thin no more !!"