jokes bad or otherwise.

I know Ryanair is a low cost airline but they've even started cutting
back on health and safety.
The stewardess said, "You'll find the emergency exits here, here,
and here."
She pointed to the same door three times.
 
I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night...
Especially as I walked there in the first place.
 
I came second in the village idiot competition down at the local community centre.
The fella who won forgot to turn up.
 
I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p.
I've adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
 
A mate of mine did a car boot sale last Sunday.
He parked his car the wrong way round and sold his engine.
 
Wee Jimmy had read a book called BE THE MASTER IN YOUR OWN HOUSE!. He decided he would take action, he marched into his wife Mary and said "I am master in this house and from now on my word is law. Right??" He said "Tonight you will cook me a gourmet meal of my choice, then we'll go up stairs and have sex for as long as I want! Afterwards you will run me a hot bath and wash my back and help me relax. Later you will help me into my nice fleecy Rangers pyjamas and we'll go to sleep.Guess who is going to wash me and comb my hair in the morning?" Mary looked at him, sighed and said "My first guess would be the funeral director!!" :o
 
sir coffalot said:
Wee Jimmy had read a book called BE THE MASTER IN YOUR OWN HOUSE!. He decided he would take action, he marched into his wife Mary and said "I am master in this house and from now on my word is law. Right??" He said "Tonight you will cook me a gourmet meal of my choice, then we'll go up stairs and have sex for as long as I want! Afterwards you will run me a hot bath and wash my back and help me relax. Later you will help me into my nice fleecy Rangers pyjamas and we'll go to sleep.Guess who is going to wash me and comb my hair in the morning?" Mary looked at him, sighed and said "My first guess would be the funeral director!!" :o
Click to expand...

The sort of fate deserved by all who wear Rangers pyjamas.
 
If I had a penny for everytime somebody has told me to not take things
so seriously.
I'd have 17p
 
If Pringles are so good that ''once you pop, you can't stop", then
why do they come with a resealable lid?
 
Survive, endure, stay alive ... these thoughts coursed through his
exploding synapses as he braced himself with grim determination and
struggled to put the finishing touches to his embroidered tea cosy.
 
I thought it was the drink talking when I heard, "Hey, Dude ...",
but it was just my hip flask.
 
This weekends top 3 tips for the national: 16/1 V-neck. He's a good
jumper: 7/1 dusty carpet - never been beaten and finally: lunch hour
12/1.
 
I was at the checkout today with a full trolley when a little old
lady came and stood behind me. I noticed she only had a couple of
items, so I thought I would do the decent thing and said to her "Best
go elsewhere love, I'm going to be bloody ages with this lot"
 
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