jokes bad or otherwise.

Here's a short statement aimed at Tony[Cornishman] our illustrious IT support person . Why does Tony struggle to discern the difference between Halloween and Christmas day??

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC ;)
 
My mate moved house a while ago. They sorted out the garden and cleaned out the old pond. At the bottom of the pond they found erotic magazines wrapped in plastic . His wife reckoned they must be frogs porn !:fp:
 
Patrick and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly, Patrick jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.

Patrick finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

Patrick says, "I've put their dog in our garden - now we'll see how they like it!"
 
A tractor salesman is having a drink in the local bar and is really down in the mouth . His friend John , a local farmer , comes in , spots him and asks " Why are you so glum Billy ?" " Well I am in trouble , if I don't sell another Tractor soon I will have to close the business"

" That's bad news Billy but I have troubles as well" " Really" Billy enquires.

" Well you know that bad tempered Cow , Bessie , we have well I took her into the barn to Milk her and when I moved to start she kept flicking me in the face with her tail . So I got a piece of rope and tied it to the rafters."

" I started to try and milk her again and she started kicking out at me so I took another piece of rope and I tied her left back leg up to the left pen fence and started to try and milk her again"

" Well she started to kick out with her right back leg , I had no rope so I took off my belt and strapped her right back leg to the right pen fence"

" Well without a belt my pants fell down.................................... so if you can convince my wife I was milking Bessie I will buy one of your tractors!" :eek::30::08:
 
A builder and a Priest who are great friends are playing golf . Off the first tee the Builder hits a wayward drive and shouts "S$%& bad shot" The Priest upset at hearing this asks the Builder not to swear to which the Builder apologises for and they continue.

At the next hole the builder hits the ball in the bunker and again utters " S$%^ shot in the sand" The Priest again upset asks the Builder again to stop swearing and the Builder apologies again an they carry on.

At the next hole the Builder misses a three foot putt and utters "S%$^ putt aaargh!" The Priest is really angry and says " You must stop swearing otherwise God will take his retribution on your soul!" At that the clouds darken and a thunderbolt strikes the Priest knocking him dead and a booming voice is heard from the clouds " S$%^ shot" :08:
 
Mr Cochrane has been pulled in front of the Tax Inspector for none payment of taxes . The inspectors tells him " You know Mr Cochrane if everyone paid their taxes the UK would be a better place we expect you to pay the tax you owe based on your earnings with a smile "

Mr Cochrane is beaming to the point his face disappears and tells the Taxman " Thank God for that I thought you were going to ask me for money"
He then proffers a further small grin and says " You've been so understanding here's a little tip for yourself!" :20: p.s Iv'e paid mine and I'm all out of guffaws and laughs.
 
People have been expressing concern over paint , it appears that they are having difficulty distinguishing between gloss and eggshell . Its really simple though ,Gloss is used to paint wood and eggshell is Sean Connery's go to spreadsheet app! :08::fp:
 
captain clutterbuck said:
Mr Cochrane has been pulled in front of the Tax Inspector for none payment of taxes . The inspectors tells him " You know Mr Cochrane if everyone paid their taxes the UK would be a better place we expect you to pay the tax you owe based on your earnings with a smile "

Mr Cochrane is beaming to the point his face disappears and tells the Taxman " Thank God for that I thought you were going to ask me for money"
He then proffers a further small grin and says " You've been so understanding here's a little tip for yourself!" :20: p.s Iv'e paid mine and I'm all out of guffaws and laughs.
Click to expand...
:21::29::D:p:):36::35:
 
George W Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said: "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said: "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!".

The third kid said: "I want a motorised wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says: "But I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"
 
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