jokes bad or otherwise.

A man recently stole hundreds of pounds worth of stock from a local Cineworld. Police are asking locals to report anyone seen with a Coke and a bag of Minstrels.
 
Subject: Telephone on Train

A commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his
cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life." "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next
to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
 
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !


Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
then
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,
'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a Duck.
 
Paddy and Murphy were going down a mine.
Paddy went down the ladder first.
Murphy was rather apprehensive about going down so he peered down the hole and asked "Is it dark down there Paddy?"
Paddy Replied "I don't know, I can't see!"
 
"Suicide is not the answer," I said to my mate.
But he insisted it was, and we lost the quiz by one point.
 
A policeman pulled me over last night . I said "is there a problem officer??" He said "I have reason to believe you are drunk sir!"
I said " I'm just an ordinary bloke trying to get home!"
He said "Thats as maybe, but you won't get far driving this wheelie bin!!" ;)
 
My wife walked into the kitchen and said ''Wow that smells nice what are you cooking?''.
''Onions'' I replied.
''Great, what are we having for dinner'' She says.
''Onions'' I yelled.
 
"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.
 
A big obnoxious woman goes to Asda, she walks through the door continually yelling at her two kids.The greeter walks up to her and says "Good morning madam what nice children you have.Are they twins??" The woman stops yelling at the kids long enough to say to her " Of course not , ones 7 and ones 10 ,are you blind thick or stupid??" " No madam ",replied the greeter "I just couldn't believe that a man wanted to make love to you twice! Good morning and thanks for shopping at Asda!!" :p
 
NEW BOOK TITLE LAUNCHED TODAY

Decisions, Decisions by Eva-Braun Awblack
 
2013 will be the 90th anniversary of the death of James Dewar, the inventor of the thermos flask.
He's rumoured to be still warm.
 
I said to my mate, "I bought my dog a little coat with writing on the back."
He said, "Oh, what did it say?"
I replied, "Nothing, he's a dog."
 
After running out of space in my toolbox, I've had to get rid of my three-foot adjustable spanner.
It was quite a wrench.
 
Saw this this morning and thought "Blonde Jokes"

pe121204.gif
 
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes
he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night,' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday
morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for
some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight
that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says,
'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time
covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole
in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.






'Your name came up 7 times.'
 
A husband and wife were exchanging christmas presents.

'Your crackers, I believe!' Said the wife.

'Your nuts', the husband said, looking down above his wife's chest, holding a bag of nuts.
 
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