jokes bad or otherwise.

To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the great train robbery I went into London Kings Cross and paid £4.50 for a cup of tea.
 
A mouse visits the dentist.The dentist asks,"So what's wrong with your teeth?"
"I don't gnaw." says the mouse.
 
George, you are the best. ;D I honestly look forward to your jokes. ;D. Keep them coming. I thank you for them. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
 
I was looking at how many you have told and it is unbelievable. I read them everyday and enjoy them as well! Saw the others comments and it reminded me that we just take it for granted that they are going to be there. Thanks George for finding/creating them for us every day! :D
 
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom' it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.


As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'
 
I shouted upstairs to my wife, "Your Mother's at the front door."
She shouted back, "Well don't just leave her standing there."
So I opened the door and handed her a chair.
 
My mate tried one of those goal celebrations today, where you run and then slide on your knees.
However he didn't anticipate the shiny floor and smashed straight into the trestles supporting his mother-in-law's coffin.
 
IT was heartening to see the Tartan Army enjoying themselves in London.
One fan, though, was arrested for jumping naked into the fountains at Trafalgar Square before the game, and as another fan posted on a Tartan Army website: "Hope someone got his ticket before he was carted off."
But as another fan cautioned: "He was naked. I hate to think where he was keeping his ticket."

Note-worthy altruism
"I SAW a guy drop litter," said the bloke in a Glasgow pub. "I like my city, so I just picked it up and didn't say anything to him."
"What was it?" asked his pal.
"A tenner," he replied.

Acting angry? (Edinburgh Festival Fringe)
THE Royal Mile is of course crowded every day with actors, visitors, and buskers. As one local told us: "I saw a couple arguing on the Royal Mile and there was actually a crowd forming. I didn't know whether to intervene or chuck in a pound."

Food for thought?
MARK Chavez, one of the American comedy duo the Pajama Men, was asked what was the best free thing he had seen in Edinburgh.
His answer was a sunny day on the Meadows when so many people brought out disposable barbecues. "It looked like a Civil War re-enactment, with people just wandering around, looking confused," he explained.

Well meant ...
A READER swears to us that she was at a seminar on relationships when the speaker urged the women to text their husbands to tell them they loved them.
One woman got a reply asking if she had crashed the car and another was told: "I thought we agreed afternoon drinking was a bad idea."

Tents reply
UNMARRIED women can sometimes be a bit more scathing. A reader watched a chap chatting to a woman in a Glasgow pub who asked her: "Do you fancy going camping?"
"No thanks," she replied. "I have a house."

LOL
BAND names continued. Says Jim Buchan: "A numpty friend was flicking through the Glasgow gig guide and commented that The Scotia was featuring a band called TBA at the end of the month.
"He then piped up: 'Ye know that band must be good, as they get plenty of gigs around the city. They're playing loads of pubs'."

"
 
After having my photo taken with the fish, I usually kiss it on the head before putting it back.
Which often results in me getting some really weird looks from other people in the supermarket.
 
The other day my wife told me to get in touch with my feminine side more often so I haven't stopped moaning and complaining.
 
Pythons have been seized in an Ontario motel room.
They were caught when an argument over a dead parrot got out of hand.
 
Peru: 14 Armed Men Forced Women To Carry Drugs.
Surely with 14 arms each they could have carried it themselves,
 
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