jokes bad or otherwise.

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honour, one of the jurors is asleep!"

The judge replied: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up."
 
Dolphins are so intelligent! Within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 
A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a 20p coin.

The usher looks at the 20p coin, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
 
I saw an RAC van parked at the side of the road and the man sat with his head in his hands sobbing.
I thought to myself, ' He's on his way to a breakdown.
 
Sylvester Stallone tells us that he is "better at painting than at acting."
I've never seen his paintings, but I agree with him.
 
This man approached me in town, "Would you like a big issue Sir?" He asked.
"No thanks," I replied. "I'm sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home."
 
I called an advert in the local paper today and said, "Hello, is this the mobile hair stylist?"
"Yes," she replied, "How can I help you?"
I said, "My Nokia wants a perm."
 
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it's coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig van Beethoven." Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward.

Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.

Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.

By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing."
 
barmpot said:
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it's coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, "Ludwig van Beethoven." Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward.

Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward.

Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth




















Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order.

By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about," says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing."
Click to expand...



Excellent, I loved this one...
 
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale, £50.'

The next day someone stole it!

THEY WALK AMONG US! AND THEY VOTE!
 
maltrab said:
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.

He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale, £50.'

The next day someone stole it!

THEY WALK AMONG US! AND THEY VOTE!
Click to expand...
Nice one Terry ;D
 
Animal magic

WE asked for your daft Hallowe'en costumes, and a Kirkintilloch reader claimed: "One year my son dressed our pet dog as a cat. He then complained it wouldn't come when he called it."
 
A group of seniors citizens were sitting around In the community room at a retirement home talking about all their ailments.
“I can hardly lift this cup of coffee because my arms have gotten so weak,” Mary said.
"Yes, I know," Ed said. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,” volunteered Louise.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!”, said Ben.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," replied Marie, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed Jim.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said Sarah.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced Richard as he slowly shook his head. The others all nodded in agreement.
“Well, we all need to really count our blessings” Nancy said cheerfully, “thank God we can all still drive.”
 
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son,
"You bring your grades u p from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have
been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that:-
Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."


(You're going to love the Dad's reply)




"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
 
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

" I told you there must be a simple explanation . . . she didn't receive your E-mail"
 
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