jokes bad or otherwise.

People who say the camera adds ten pounds are wrong.
I just took a picture of my bank balance and there's still nothing in it.
 
My mate's wife said to him, "What are you getting me for my birthday?"
"A dress." he replied.
"16 Kirkham Drive." She responded.
 
THIS IS A TRUE STORY READ IT AND WONDER

LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.


A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.


Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'


The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.


The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)


Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
 
My grandfather smoked until he was ninety three.
Which was pretty amazing, he was cremated when he was eighty six.
 
I went to B&Q today and said, "I bought this energy saving light bulb yesterday, but it doesn't work."
The assistant replied, "Of course it doesn't work, it's supposed to save energy."
 
"So Dave, it's the Masterchef finale, what's your interpretation of a classical dish today?"
"Well Michel, I've made crispy pork encrusted in a granary coating."
“You mean a bacon butty don't you?"
 
I went to the doctor the other day and he diagnosed me with hypochondria.
I said, "Oh no, not that as well."
 
My mate asked me if I could name all of Santa's reindeer.
"Oh my God." I said with tears in my eyes. "It would be an honour."
 
As the last of a pack of escaped Wolves is shot dead in Essex, locals breathe a massive sigh of relief on hearing that their houses will definitely not be blown down.
 
France has revealed its Secret Service contemplated assassinating Abu Hamza in London.
The plan was to sneak up on him and rub some itching powder near his jugular.
 
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