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jokes bad or otherwise.

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"Aw, Dad, it's okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
 
Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality.
And then I wait for the next bus.
 
"Tell the truth." The wife demanded, "Does this make me look too fat?"
"Err.. n..no." I stumbled. "It's.. It's ok."
"Oh good." She replied. "As long as I don't look ridiculous."
"Hang on”, I said “you didn't ask me THAT.
 
I was stood on the scales at the doctors' surgery earlier.
"You could do with losing some weight." he said.
"What's the quickest way, doc?" I asked.
"Well you could start by putting that kebab down."
 
"My son nearly died in the 'hood."
"Was it gang related?"
"Nah, the dopey sod nearly suffocated when he put his anorak on the wrong way round."
 
1379371_10151738646611378_389503535_n_zps73ca6739.jpg
 
My wife was complaining that it was too dark in the kitchen so I told her to turn the light on.
I'm full of bright ideas.
 
Two Unicorns were on Noah's Ark when one said to the other, "Hi, I'm George."
The other replies, "Pleased to meet you George, I'm Arthur."
 
-Excuse me sir, could I ask you for a minute of your time please to talk to you about the conflict in the Ukraine?
-No sorry I'm rushin'
 
My friend said, "You've got a strange lump on your shoulder"
"It must be the steroids I'm on", I replied, "I've grown a penis on my back"
"Anabolic?", he asked
"No, just a penis"
 
Sorry I don't want to offend anyone but this made me smile;
"My son came downstairs puffy eyed this morning."
"Lack of sleep?"
"Nah, too much eyeshadow."
 
"Your driving is awful," I said to my wife this morning.
"It would help if you told me where I should be going!" she yelled, "Do I go left at this roundabout, or do I go right???"
"Do a left," I replied calmly, "Then do a right between the swings and the slide."
 
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