jokes bad or otherwise.

My wife came up to me this morning all upset and said,
"Oh I feel so ugly these days, my skin is wrinkled, my hips are too big, my boobs are saggy and my bum is huge, pay me a compliment!"
"Your eye sights spot on love" I replied.
 
After a fire at my Sesame Street themed puppet shop half of my stock has been damaged.
I'm suing the culprit for loss of Ernie's.
 
I knew my position as chief exhibitionist at the art gallery was in jeopardy when the curator told me to put some clothes on.
 
Ironing done.
Hoovering done.
Washing done.
Dusting done.
Kids bathed.
Kids in bed.
Perfect!
Now I can leave the pub and go home.
 
I've got a massive fear for the lift button in our hotel reception and I don't know why.
Just can't put my finger on it.
 
Whenever I'm tired,I always pull over and take a half hour nap,just to be on the safe side.
I think it's also fair to say,I'm not the most popular bus driver in town.
 
A man broke into a church and threw domestos over the vicar.
He's been charged with bleach of the priest.
 
George said:
My wife came up to me this morning all upset and said,
"Oh I feel so ugly these days, my skin is wrinkled, my hips are too big, my boobs are saggy and my bum is huge, pay me a compliment!"
"Your eye sights spot on love" I replied.
Click to expand...

Now be nice George. Remember who cooks your meals and does your laundry.. HA!
 
I rang Parcelforce to ask when my parcel was going to be delivered. True to form, the guy told me: "12 months time mate."
I replied "Morning or Afternoon?"
"Does it really matter?" He replied.
"Yes," I said. "I've got the plummer coming in the morning."
 
My father was a very skilled joiner, so naturally, I followed in his footsteps.
Between us we've got eighteen gym memberships and thirty two library cards.
 
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill
, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 
I woke up this morning and decided to jump in the shower
After half an hour, I thought, "I'd better turn it on, all this jumping has made me sweaty."
 
My kids are always accusing me of having a 'favourite child'
Which is ridiculous...
Because I don't really like any of them.
 
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