jokes bad or otherwise.

[barmpot]

More Bob Hope

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."
​

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards or as it's called at my home, Passover."

ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

​

 

[captain clutterbuck]

jokes bad or otherwise

A definition of irony - Atheists who call their sons Christian when surely they should name them Godfrey.

 

[barmpot]

I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids
​

 

[barmpot]

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
​

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

​

 

[barmpot]

Hypochondriac: "I have a terrible pain in my left side. I think it's appendicitis!"

Doctor: "No, that can't be. The appendix is on the right side."

Hypochondriac: "So THAT'S why it hurts so much! My appendix is on the wrong side!"

​

 

[barmpot]

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me "son."

I said, "Why do you keep calling me 'son'? You're not my father."

He said, "I brought you up, didn't I?"

 

[barmpot]

What hair colour do they put on documentation for a bald man?

 

[barmpot]

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda
xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.

 

[barmpot]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Georgie grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Georgie.

 

[barmpot]

Back when I did tech support, too many people had heard of the ID10T error. So other acronyms had to be created. After the ID10T error you have all these other errors:

.C2K: "Chair to Keyboard" problem
.ESO: Equipment Smarter than Operator
.TSTO: Too Stupid To Operate
.EBK: Error Behind Keyboard
.EBCAC: Error Between Computer And Chair
.PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.
.Layer 8/9 error: There are seven layers in the OSI model of computer networks. The 8th layer is the user.
.Code 18: The problem is located 18 inches away from the monitor.
.EEOC: Equipment Exceeds Operator Capabilities
.OHE: Operator Headspace Error
.CBE: Carbon-Based Error

 

[barmpot]

Another name for a computer user error is a PICNIC error - thus:
Problem
In
Chair
Not
In
Computer

 

[barmpot]

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer down a trail back to their truck.

Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one Congressman said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"

 

[barmpot]

"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Well, pull yourself together."

 

[barmpot]

"Doctor, Doctor! My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"
"Hmmmm... Let's hope nothing develops."

 

[barmpot]

"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!"
"I'll deal with you in a minute."

 

[barmpot]

"Doctor, Doctor! My son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?"
"Use a pencil 'till I get there."

 

[Big Unc]

Well, it amuses me!

​

 

[barmpot]

Doctor: "Your shins have some nasty bruises. Do you play hockey or soccer?"

Patient: "Nope. My wife and I play bridge."

 

[barmpot]

What would you rather have? No short-term memory or . . . I forget the question.

 

[barmpot]

A very, very stingy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by Peter, who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the end of the street and stopped in front of a tiny shack without gold paving in front. "And here is where you will be living, sir," Peter announced. "ME live HERE?!,” the stingy man yelled. "How come?"

"Well," Peter replied, "We did the best we could with the money you sent in."