jokes bad or otherwise.

I have seen something like this before, but as has been said: theres still plenty of mileage in the old ones!

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIE INDUSTRY

~ You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

~ The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

~ A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

~ It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

~ Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

~ All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

~ A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

~ If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

~ When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

~ Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

~ Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they're employed or not.

~ At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

~ Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

~ It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

~ When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

~ Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

~ During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

~ Most dogs are immortal.

~ All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

~ It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

~ The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.


Any more you can add to this list. Of course Summer Wine never resorted to any stereotypes like this.
 
jokes bad or otherwise

I went to a friends house and found him with a fly swatter walking room to room . When I asked if he had any success he replied " Yes I've killed five , three males and two females " . I of course asked how he could tell to which he replied " Well the three males were on a can of beer and the females were of course on the phone !" :22::22::22:
 
jokes bad or otherwise

Did you read in the Daily Mail about a group of Chess Players who were thrown out of the Dorchester Hotel Reception because they were loudly bragging about how good they were at Chess . The Irish Manager was asked why he took the step of ejecting them from the Hotel to which he replied " I cannot stand Chess nuts boasting in an Open Foyer! " :)
 
jokes bad or otherwise

A man buys the latest state of the art lie detecting Robot that slaps the person being asked the questions if they lie . When he gets it home he decides to test run it . He asks his son " Well Freddie what did you today " , the son replies " I did my homework all afternoon" at which point the Robot slaps him across the face. " Alright I was lying I spent the afternoon at Ronnie's house watching films "

The father then asks "Ok Freddie what film did you watch ? " . " Toy Story Dad" , the son replies. The Robot slaps the boy across the face again , " Alright it was porn Daddy". " What !! at your age I didn't even know what Porn was " , the Robot slaps the Father across the face . The mother laughs her head off and says " Well clearly he is a chip off the old block and most definitely your son " and the Robot slaps the Mother. :me:
 
Old one..............

Doctor Doctor I cant fall asleep! Lie on the edge of the bed, you'll soon drop off!! :me:
 
jokes bad or otherwise

A Man finishes work on Friday and instead of going home he goes out on a bender for the weekend spends all his wages eventually gets home Sunday night to be confronted by the angriest wife ever. During the rant she asks " How would you feel if you didn't see me for three days" . The husband replied " that would be fine by me ". Well Monday , Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he didn't see his wife at all . By Thursday the swelling on his left eye had gone just enough that he could catch a glimpse of her out of the corner. :me::me:
 
jokes bad or otherwise

An Irishman goes into a Pet shop and asks "Do you have any talking budgies , I'd like a talking budgie" . The assistant says " Yes your's for £6" . He takes it home and is back at the shop two days later . " You sold me that talking budgie two days ago and it hasn't said a thing " . The assistant says "did you put it in a cage" . The Irishman replied " well no I don't have a cage ". "Well it won't talk without it" . " How much is a cage then" . " Give us a fiver " is the reply.

Two days later he's back at the shop " It's still not said a word" . " Did you put it in the cage " the assistant asks " Yes" . " Did the budgie run up the ladder" . " I haven't got a ladder " . " well it won't talk without it" . " How much for the ladder" , " give me a pound " the assistant replies.

Two days later he's back at the shop " It's still not said a word" . " Did the budgie run up the ladder" , "Yes" , "and did it look in the mirror" . "I haven't got a mirror how much is that " . " Give me 50p".



Two days later he's back at the shop " It's still not said a word" . " Did it look in the mirror" , " Yes" , " and then did it ring the bell " . " I haven't got a bell how much is that" " Give me a pound" the assistant replies.

Two weeks he's back " that budgie you sold me is dead" . " Did it run up the ladder , look in the mirror , ring the bell and talk?" the assistant asks. " yes it did all that " . " What did its say" . " Does that £$%^ Pet shop not sell bird seed I'm @$£" starving."
 
Old one..........
Dear sir, I have a circular piece of black plastic ,12 inch diameter with a hole in the middle.
Is this a record?? :biggrin: :me:
 
In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye.

“You’re a schoolteacher, hum?” he said. “Ma'am, today I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Sit down at the table and write ‘I went through a red light’ 500 times!”
 
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of school, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had NO trouble with discipline that term!
 
Moe: "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!"

Joe: "Really? What kind is it?"

Moe: "Twelve-thirty."
 
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