jokes bad or otherwise.

Three men were killed in a car crash and went to heaven . On arrival God asked what they were like as husbands and that would decide what trappings they got on entering the Pearly Gates. The first said " I was a good husband I provide for my Family and I never cheated once on my wife " . God replied " You are a good man , you will live in a mansion and you will drive around in a Rolls Royce. "

God then asked the second man who replied " I was a reasonable husband I mostly provided for my family although I did treat myself occasionally . I cheated on my wife but only a couple of times ." God replied " You have been good on the whole but there were some indiscretions so you will live in a 3 bedroomed Semi-Detached House and drive a Nissan Juke" .

God then asked the third man who replied " I was an unreasonable husband I mostly spoilt myself and gave my family the bare minimum to live on . I cheated on my wife countless times ," God replied " you have been inconsiderate and as such you will live in a pokey one bedroom flat and you will drive an old beaten up Skoda " .

Anyway they all set off to collect the keys to the houses and cars when all of a sudden the Third Man stops and his face shows complete shock. The other men enquire " What's wrong ?" . What's wrong!!! I have just spotted my wife and she's riding around on a skateboard"
 
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear. A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

"Bicycles!" ...
 
I think this may belong here..............................An American science professor was teaching his class one day and wondered why they all dissolved into hysterics! He finally realised it was not what he said but how he'd said it. His statement was that URANUS IS A GAS GIANT planet. Only he put the wrong inflection on the word URANUS.,and there is another meaning for gas in the American language as well as petrol!:08: :rolleyes:
 
A grandma is making dinner and sends her grandson to the Well to get her some water . The little boy goes down and is about to draw some water when he sees a pair of eyes looking up at him from the Well . Frightened he drops the bucket and runs back to the house . On seeing him the Grandma asks " Where's my water and where's my good bucket!!! " The grandson explains about seeing the eyes and dropping the bucket. The Grandma says " Don't you be worrying about old Croc he won't hurt you he is more frightened of you ." The little boy replied " Well if he is frightened of me and he does what I just did then the last thing you want to do is drink that water. "
 
A man is waiting at the Pearly Gates . St Peter explains to him that to enter heaven there is criteria that has to be met . "So" St Peter said " Are you deeply religious, did you attend church every weekend, did you live by the Ten Commandments " . "Sadly No" the man replies.

" Did you give money away to the poor , charities " again the answer was "No"

" Did you do good deeds for your neighbours, friends" yet again the answer is "No"

" Look I need something to work with here " St Peter replied " is anything you can recall that might help "

" Well " said the man " I was in a store and heard a commotion outside , I went out to find a dozen Hells Angels who were pushing an old lady around and they had taken her purse" . " Without concern for my own safety I waded in , recovered the purse , picked up the lady from the ground and then squared up to the Hells Angel Leader called him a coward and spat in his face"

St Peter retorted " That's wonderful and guarantees you a place in Heaven , just for the record do you recall when this happened " . " About Ten minutes ago!! " the man replied
 
Zoo again.....................................Please do not sit or stand on the fences to the enclosures ! You may fall in and if the animals eat you ,it may make them sick. Thank you !!
 
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