jokes bad or otherwise.

Doctor to Patient.........................I am afraid I have two pieces of bad news for you , one is that you only have about 24 hours to live ! The other is the fact that I was trying to get you on the phone most of yesterday !!:eek2::08:
 
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you stick the pin in his leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun doesn't shine"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
 
On the side of USA's navy ships are the letters USS. They stand for "United States Ship."

On the side of British navy ships are the letters HMS, "Her Majesty's Ship."

On the side of Italian navy ships are the letters TMB. Do you know what they stand for?

"That'sa my boat!"
 
Father and Son cannibals set off through the jungle searching for something to eat. After ten minutes they came across an old man , " How about him Dad" the son asks. " No son not him he is old and the meat will be tough plus he is so slight there isn't enough meat to make a stew" . A further ten minutes pass and they come across a large overweight man . "Well he must be alright Dad " the Son says . " No , No, if we cook him our cholesterol will go through the roof with all the fat" . So they carry on , ten minutes later they come across a tall voluptuous blond lady . " Well we must take her dad" the son says . " Yes we will son" . " She will make such a tasty meal I cannot wait to get started " the Son says. " Meal !!!! " the Dad retorts " We are going to take her home and eat you Mother"
 
A man goes into a cafe on a really cold day sees that Beef Chilli is the special on the menu so he tries to order that and a mug of tea from the waitress . Sadly "Sorry I just sold the last bowl but I will bring you tea" . As he is sipping his tea he notices the guy on the next table has been eating a bowl of the beef chilli but has left most of it . " Can I buy that off you Sir I think you managed to get the last bowl " . " You can have it for free" the man replies . Anyway he starts to eat it and about half way through he spots a dead mouse in the bowl and he immediately throws up into the bowl. The man turns back from the door and says " Hey Man that's about as far as I got when I was eating it" :eek:
 
A woman phones her husband and says " Hello Darling I am up to my neck in work and I am going to be late however, I have a some good news and bad news for you ." The husband replies " Well please give me the Good News first" . The wife pauses and replies " Well darling I can confirm the car airbag works"
 
A man goes into a bar and orders four double whiskeys. When they arrive he downs them one after the other. The bartender says "Wow you must be in a hurry !"
The man said "So would you be if you'd got what I've got !" The barman says "What's that "? .......................... " 50P " replied the man ! :08:
 
A guy told his friends: "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." Turns out, his boss got sick and tired of him.
 
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
 
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

2014: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2015: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2016: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2017: I will work out 3 days a week.

2018: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
 
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