jokes bad or otherwise.

Some aliens were playing a new version of Monopoly. ...........One complained he was fast running out of money.........."Why? " said the others.

He said "I've bought Venus, Mars , Saturn and Jupiter and its cost me the Earth !!":08: :rolling:
 
On a beautiful Sunday morning everybody in town is at church. Then out of nowhere the devil appears and everybody starts screaming and running out the doors, tripping over each other, all but one old man.

The devil is confused and walks up to him and asks if he knows who he is. The old man says "I know who you are" . The devil asks " Aren't you afraid of me? " The Old man says " Certainly not" . The devil is even more confused and asks "Why?". The old man says "Because I have been married to your sister for 48 years."
 
A husband and wife, who work for the circus, go to an adoption agency, where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 30-foot motor home, which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin..., and computing skills," they're told.

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"The child will be surrounded by family, but we've also retained a nanny who's a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?

"Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon..."
 
A Texan is visiting Ireland and happens upon a pub . On going inside he bangs on the table and shots " I here you Irish are big drinkers there's $500 on the table for anyone who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back!" Well there are no takers and a couple of men actually leave . Thirty minutes later one of the men who left comes back and asks the Texan if the bet stands to which the Texan says " Sure does Barman set them up " . The man duly drinks the 10 pints and claims his $500. The Texan is puzzled and asks the Man " Where did you disappear for half an hour . The Irish guy replies " Well sir , I went to the pub next door and made sure I could drink ten pints before I accepted the challenge"
 
Winifred, was a 93 year-old woman , was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband John . She decided that she would just commit suicide and join her husband in Heaven.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out John's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken by her Husband's death.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and leave herself only injured , she called her doctor's surgery to inquire exactly where the heart was in her body. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Winifred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.;)
 
Mick's wife is having an affair with Paddy , her husbands best friend, and they are making passionate love at her house when the phone rings. She jumps up and answers it. When she returns Paddy asks who it was . "It's Mick" she says . "Mick!!! I'd better get my clothes on and scarper " Paddy replies . " Relax , Relax " Mick's wife replies " It's fine he said he was having a few beers and a game of pool down the pub with You!!"
 
John went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said John.

Six months later the doctor met John on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! My friend Joe cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did Joe cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Nobody's under there now!!"
 
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the cop was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at his uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right,"

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot towards the cop, "would you please tie my shoe?"
 
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
 
The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.

At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle
 
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