jokes bad or otherwise.

A young bloke at his first job as a waiter in a diner and a large trucker sits down in a booth and shouts "Gimme 3 flat tyres and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up." " Take him these and the other things will be ready soon " passing the lad a bowl of beans.

The waiter takes the bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
 
Cinderella is sat on her porch in an old rocking chair with her faithful cat Timmy reliving her life as she is now 85 when all of a sudden her Fairy Godmother appears. "Hello Cinderella you have lived such a wonderfully kind and considerate life in respect of lots of people I have decided to offer you three wishes as a reward. "

" Thank you so so much Fairy Grandmother it makes me very happy indeed so firstly I would like to have some wealth so when I die I can leave to less fortunate people than myself, " at which her rocking chair turned into 24 carat gold and a chest of coins appeared.

" For my second wish I would love to be younger again just for a short period so I can put into practice what I have learned over the years and help people , " at which she was again a young attractive woman with long golden locks . At this her faithful cat Timmy was spooked and jumped off her lap.

"For my last wish I would like to experience love for one last time could you please turn Timmy into a handsome man ." With a flash of light Timmy did indeed turn into a dark haired handsome man and the Fairy Godmother disappeared. The man turned to Cinderella " Whilst I was your cat and I am now an handsome man I think you are going to regret get me neutered all those years ago"
 
A cop stops a guy for speeding.

Guy: "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

Cop: "Ever go fishing?"

Guy: "Ummm, yeah..."

Cop: "Ever catch all the fish?"
 
I went to see the doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked.

"I can't understand the writing," I replied. "Was it you?"
 
A hunting party, hopelessly lost in the mountains, blamed their guide for leading them astray.

"You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they cried.

"I am," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."
 
A man had trouble getting his neighbour to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbour kept saying chickens were noble creatures, and they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man had no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds. He tried everything...

Two weeks later, a visiting friend noticed the flower beds were doing great! They were blooming and beautiful.

So the friend asked, "How did you make your neighbour keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbour see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
 
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card."
 
What's the difference between 16 ozs and a pianist?.....................................One weighs a pound and the other pounds away!:fp:
 
Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.

The one old man reeled in his line, lain down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you were that religious."

The other looked at him and said "Least I could do, we've been married 42 years!"
 
What's the difference between a poor man and a feather pillow ??.................................One is hard up and the other is soft down !:08:
 
A woman is having an affair and is making love to her boyfriend when she hears her husband pull up in the car . " Quick its my Husband grab your clothes and climb out the window !" "I can't do that its pouring" the boyfriend replies . "You'll have to if he finds us he will kill us both he has a violent temper." So the man climbs out naked with his clothes under his arm, as he does so he finds himself in the middle of the town's annual marathon and so to keep up the disguise he starts to run.

The other runners look a him curiously one asks" Do you always run in the nude?" "I do" the man replies " It makes me feel closer to nature." A second enquires " And do you always carry you clothes ." " I do" the man replies " When the race is over I can get dressed quickly and get home "

A third looks him up and down and asks " Do you always run with a condom on? " " Only when it rains" replies the man.:fp:
 
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