jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
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barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a few minutes, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber grinned, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber grinned, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber
replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber
replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied: "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NOOO!"
Then silence.
The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH NOOO!"
Then silence.
The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach shouted, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took x-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."
Gazing intently at the x-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'Expert.'"
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."
Gazing intently at the x-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'Expert.'"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.