jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
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barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
One day while driving through a neighborhood near his church, Pastor John saw a little boy on a front porch, struggling trying to reach the doorbell.
Feeling like he needed to help the young fellow, he stopped his car and got out to help. He pressed the doorbell for him and said, in a teaching way, "Now what do we do?"
"Now," the boy said, laughing, "we run!"
Feeling like he needed to help the young fellow, he stopped his car and got out to help. He pressed the doorbell for him and said, in a teaching way, "Now what do we do?"
"Now," the boy said, laughing, "we run!"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
Teacher: If you have 10 muffins and your friend takes 2 of them, how many muffins would you have left?
Me: 10
Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left?
Me: Still 10 muffins... and 1 injured friend.
Me: 10
Teacher: Okay, let me try again. You have 10 muffins. What if your friend takes 2 of your muffins, how many would you have left?
Me: Still 10 muffins... and 1 injured friend.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Inland Revenue writing tax regulations.
When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Inland Revenue writing tax regulations.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extrarvrgant lifestyland no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure we find this believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, throw that full glass of water into the wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands on the desk and takes careful aim, but when he throws the glass, water covers the man's desk, jacket, briefcase, and everything around it.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney starts crying and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and throw water all over your office and that you'd be happy about it!"
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extrarvrgant lifestyland no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure we find this believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, throw that full glass of water into the wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands on the desk and takes careful aim, but when he throws the glass, water covers the man's desk, jacket, briefcase, and everything around it.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney starts crying and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and throw water all over your office and that you'd be happy about it!"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.
"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.
By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"
"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."
"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.
By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"
"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A Psychiatrist was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the same room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
Adrian Morris
Dedicated Member
Overheard in the local cafe being told by a scruffy little twit.
I say, I say, I say. Did you hear about the two old ladies that went for a tramp in the woods?.
He got away.
I say, I say, I say. Did you hear about the two old ladies that went for a tramp in the woods?.
He got away.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...
seems she can't get them to turn red.
She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door
has a garden full of big red tomatoes.
She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand
naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."
This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next
few days standing nude in her garden.
A week goes by and she runs into her neighbour and he asks...
"have your tomatoes turned red?"
"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...
the cucumbers are absolutely thriving"
seems she can't get them to turn red.
She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door
has a garden full of big red tomatoes.
She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand
naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."
This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next
few days standing nude in her garden.
A week goes by and she runs into her neighbour and he asks...
"have your tomatoes turned red?"
"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...
the cucumbers are absolutely thriving"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.
The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.
A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."
The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.
A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."
Adrian Morris
Dedicated Member
That's why you should not throw out the mouldy slices but save them.The trouble with being the bread winner ? The taxman always wants his slice/s
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."