jokes bad or otherwise.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
 
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are on the run from the Police. They ran into a barn, and each hide in a sack. The Policemen come in and kick the sack with the redhead in it, she shouts, "Meow..." The Police say, " It's just a cat," they go on and kick the sack with the brunette. She shouts, " Woof..." The Policemen say, " It's just a dog." They then kick the sack with the blonde and she shouts, " Potatoes!"
 
Howard is on his way to meet Marina, as he is walking along the street he hears a voice " Stop walk no further or you'll be killed!" Howard stops and a brick falls from the building and lands in front of him . After recovering he walks on and as he is about to cross the road he hears the same voice again " Stop don't cross the road if you do you'll be killed " Howard stops just as a speeding car careers past him .

He is so relieved he shouts "thank you so so much but who are you ? " The voice responds " I am you Guardian angel and I have been looking after you for some time." "Guardian Angel , Looking after me !!! " Howard responds " Well thank you ! Where the hell were you when I married Pearl !!! "
 
Might have put this one up before, if so apologies - if not, groan away ..
One day a man went to an auction and he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
 
The new vicar at a city centre church was delighted when he received an anonymous gift and when he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.

However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it.

The secretary said he had three reasons: "First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can't spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting."
 
Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Son!" said his daddy.

"Come into the living room and tell me about it," Daddy continued.

Little Johnny said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."

Today he represents us in Congress.


You will note this has an American antecedent ...
 
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