jokes bad or otherwise.

A Teacher , Refuse Collector and Piers Morgan have passed away and are standing with St Peter awaiting admittance to Heaven. St Peter tells them they must answer a question to be allowed in . He asks the teacher " Please name the ship that hit an Iceberg and sank , they made a movie about it." The teacher answers "Titanic" and is allowed in.

St Peter is not sure that some of the residents can tolerate the smell from the Refuse Collector so he asks " How many people died when the ship sank ?" The Refuse collector had just watched the film and knew the answer " 1500" he replied so reluctantly St Peter lets him in.

Turning to Piers Morgan " Simple question Piers name them!!"
 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand?? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seed of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Elijah, who does this Priest think he is ? I ask you, trying to teach us the Goldstein brothers about marketing."
 
The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."

After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo, and his Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, your Reverence," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never accepted the job.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, your Reverence " pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my God, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."
 
THE FOLLOWING CAME OFF A FATHERS DAY CARD !;)
What do you call cheese that isn't yours..?.…………………….Nacho Cheese .:08:
Why was 6 afraid of seven ??…………………….Because 7 ate 9 !:rolling:
Why are pirates called pirates ??……………………….Because they aaaaarrhh!:eyesroll:
When do's a joke become a dad joke ??…………………………….When it becomes apparent !:fp:
 
A man walks into a bar with his dog. On seeing them the Bartender says " I'm sorry but we don't allow dogs in here please leave" The man replies "I'm blind and this is my guide dog" . Embarrassed the Bartender apologises and says " Sorry sir the first drink is on me" He passes the drink to the man who then goes and sits at the door.

After a few minutes a man turns up with a dog , the blind man on hearing him approach warns him that the bar doesn't allow dogs in but if you say its your guide dog you will even get a free drink.

The man goes in and the Bartender shouts . "Please leave sir we don't allow dogs in here" The man replies " I'm blind and its my guide dog" The Bartender replies " Out now they don't give Blind people Chihuahuas as guide dogs" . The man pauses for a second and replies " What!!!! they gave me a Chihuahua as a guide dog as they having a laugh"
 
dick said:
Coruscate ….………...to emit flashes of light , to sparkle !
Bit awkward if Glenda had said it to Barry "Come to bed Barry and bring your coruscation !:28:
Click to expand...
Mmm, I wonder if that was what my lawyer referred to when he asked if our marriage had been coruscated? :(
 
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