jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
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imitation700mb
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My baking always turns out like citrus fruit...…. I only make JAFFA Cakes!
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
By the time they reopen the pubs, Captain Morgan will have been promoted to Admiral.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man and his wife are walking through the streets of Moscow in the 1940s
Something starts to fall from the sky that Christmas Eve...
The woman stops and says, "It's snowing!"
Her husband replies, "No, it's raining, I think...."
The two of them argue for a moment before the man stops her, "Let's get a second opinion...."
They approach a nearby Communist officer and ask, "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
The officer replies, "definitely raining."
The man turns to his wife and says, "You see!! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Something starts to fall from the sky that Christmas Eve...
The woman stops and says, "It's snowing!"
Her husband replies, "No, it's raining, I think...."
The two of them argue for a moment before the man stops her, "Let's get a second opinion...."
They approach a nearby Communist officer and ask, "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
The officer replies, "definitely raining."
The man turns to his wife and says, "You see!! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help.
The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open.
Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it,
"It's simple, these are khaki pants" he replied
The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open.
Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it,
"It's simple, these are khaki pants" he replied
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A waiter bursts into his boss's Office
"Help!" he says, "There are two guys outside high as a kite trashing the place!"
The manager steps out of his office, and sure enough there are two doped up guys shoving tables and throwing plates. He calmly walks out of the restaurant and returns shortly with a very beautiful woman. As soon as the guys see the woman, they immediately stop trashing the place and began admiring her. She left soon after and they followed her out, entranced by her beauty.
Meanwhile the waiter is standing there, watching this all take place. He stared at the manager, confused as to how he knew that would work.
"That, my friend, " says the manager, "Is how you kill two stoners with one bird."
"Help!" he says, "There are two guys outside high as a kite trashing the place!"
The manager steps out of his office, and sure enough there are two doped up guys shoving tables and throwing plates. He calmly walks out of the restaurant and returns shortly with a very beautiful woman. As soon as the guys see the woman, they immediately stop trashing the place and began admiring her. She left soon after and they followed her out, entranced by her beauty.
Meanwhile the waiter is standing there, watching this all take place. He stared at the manager, confused as to how he knew that would work.
"That, my friend, " says the manager, "Is how you kill two stoners with one bird."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
No animals were injured in the telling of this joke ! 
A man walked into a pet store and saw a parrot on a perch that said, “Chet, the amazing singing parrot”. The man asked the clerk how do you make Chet sing.
The clerk says, “Easy, just watch”. The clerk lights a lighter and puts it under Chet’s right foot. (I do NOT condone harm to animals) Chet starts singing, “Jingle bells jingle bells, jingle all the way”.
The man is amazed and asked the clerk if Chet sings any other songs. The clerk lights the lighter and puts it under Chet’s left foot. Chet starts singing, “Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose”.
The man is completely flabbergasted at how incredible Chet is. The man thinks to himself, “Hmm, I wonder what else Chet can sing”. So he takes the lighter, lights it, lifts Chet’s tail and puts the lighter under Chet. He starts singing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire...”
A man walked into a pet store and saw a parrot on a perch that said, “Chet, the amazing singing parrot”. The man asked the clerk how do you make Chet sing.
The clerk says, “Easy, just watch”. The clerk lights a lighter and puts it under Chet’s right foot. (I do NOT condone harm to animals) Chet starts singing, “Jingle bells jingle bells, jingle all the way”.
The man is amazed and asked the clerk if Chet sings any other songs. The clerk lights the lighter and puts it under Chet’s left foot. Chet starts singing, “Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose”.
The man is completely flabbergasted at how incredible Chet is. The man thinks to himself, “Hmm, I wonder what else Chet can sing”. So he takes the lighter, lights it, lifts Chet’s tail and puts the lighter under Chet. He starts singing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire...”
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A woman was tired of her husband coming home drunk late every night so she got clever and made a new rule for him. When the man would stumble to the front door she would say”blow through the key hole so I know if you've been drinking or not, and if so I’m not letting you in.”
Well a week goes by of this new rule and the old man is tired of sleeping on the porch so he comes up with a plan. He is going to mask the smell of alcohol by eating a can of tuna. So he gets really drunk one night pulls up in the driveway and before he steps out he devours a can of tuna.
The man walks up to the front door and the usual voice comes from the other side” blow through the keyhole!” The man grins and does as she says and he hears a scream followed by “ Damnit! You quit one bad habit to start another you've been bloody kissing that bloody Freda from the Fish Shop !”
Well a week goes by of this new rule and the old man is tired of sleeping on the porch so he comes up with a plan. He is going to mask the smell of alcohol by eating a can of tuna. So he gets really drunk one night pulls up in the driveway and before he steps out he devours a can of tuna.
The man walks up to the front door and the usual voice comes from the other side” blow through the keyhole!” The man grins and does as she says and he hears a scream followed by “ Damnit! You quit one bad habit to start another you've been bloody kissing that bloody Freda from the Fish Shop !”
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
When they get old, some people find they have a new acquaintance, who is always a pain to live with...… It's Arthur-Itus!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Two Priests go to Hawaii on holiday , they were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning Father, Good morning Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning Father, Good morning Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man walk's into a biker bar, sits down and orders a bottle of the most expensive Whisky available.
After every shot of Whisky the man takes, he quietly says to him self.
"I shouldn't be having this with what I've got"
Then solemnly and seemingly reflecting on his life, stares into the distance.
The bartender doesn't think much of it but after only 30 minutes, the man has drank 3/4 of the bottle and still continues to take a shot and whisper this ominous mantra to himself.
He begins to become concerned with the strange man's health.
Believing the man must be suffering from some terminal illness he asks.
"I'm sorry to interrupt you but I can't help over hearing you and I'm wondering what you've got that makes you so worried that drinking so much alcohol could be so bad for your health.
I don't want to seem rude but, may I ask what you've got?"
To which the man replies.
"£2.50"
After every shot of Whisky the man takes, he quietly says to him self.
"I shouldn't be having this with what I've got"
Then solemnly and seemingly reflecting on his life, stares into the distance.
The bartender doesn't think much of it but after only 30 minutes, the man has drank 3/4 of the bottle and still continues to take a shot and whisper this ominous mantra to himself.
He begins to become concerned with the strange man's health.
Believing the man must be suffering from some terminal illness he asks.
"I'm sorry to interrupt you but I can't help over hearing you and I'm wondering what you've got that makes you so worried that drinking so much alcohol could be so bad for your health.
I don't want to seem rude but, may I ask what you've got?"
To which the man replies.
"£2.50"