jokes bad or otherwise.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are travelling down the Amazon River in a canoe...

They get abducted by Natives who tell them,

"We will use your skin to make canoes, you may kill yourself in any way you like."

The Frenchman asks for a knife and says, "Viva la France!" And he slits his throat and dies.

Next, they ask the Englishman how he would like to die. He asks for a gun and yells, "God save the Queen!" And he shoots himself in the head.

Next is the Irishman, they ask what how he would like to die,

"I'd like a fork!"

"A fork?" "Are you sure?"

"Yes a fork!"

So they provide the Irishman with the fork and he starts stabbing himself and screaming,

"Your'e not going to make a $£%^ canoe out of me" :08:
 
A housewife buys a parrot from a pet store.

At the counter, the cashier warns her that the parrot used to live in a house of ill repute and picked up a lot of the language they used.

She takes the parrot back to her house and puts him in a cage. The bird looks around and says "New madame, new house." She's a little surprised, but likes it nonetheless.

Later, her daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says "New madame, new house, new girls." She's shocked to say the least. But, she likes the bird.

After this, her husband, Dave, comes home. As soon as he walks in the door, the parrot looks over and says "Hey Dave long time no see glad to have you back!"
 
A young Nun who volunteered to work for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of fuel. As luck would have it, there was a Petrol station just one Street away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough Petrol to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only Petrol can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with Petrol, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with Petrol, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the Petrol into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life." ;):08:
 
A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbour jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses the horse right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbour and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbour answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walked behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her right where the sun don't shine!"

"Oh that yes you're right .Well I have badly chapped lips."his neighbour answers back.

"Really ! does that help to heal them?"he asks.

"No,but it sure keeps me from licking them." :30:;)
 
A man saw his doctor "Do you think I could live for another 50 years?"
Doctor said " Do you drink or smoke?"
"Neither, "said the man
"Do you have kinky sex, gamble or drive fast cars ?" said the doctor !
" Certainly not !" said the man.
Then why do you want to live another 50 years ?" asked the doctor :08: :fp:
 
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said: "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in St Ives Bay.

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Spider crabs attached to her."

"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkins demanded.

The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
 
Two nuns are driving down the road one evening in Transylvania, when a vampire steps out and jumps on top of their car.

The nun in the passenger seat yells "What should I do!". The nun driving says "Show him your cross!".

The first nun leans out the window and yells " HOY !!! GET OFF MY BLOODY CAR YOU $%&£" TOOTHY GIT!"
 
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”

Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”

He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the barman. He says, “Hey barman! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts on the bar ,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

:tw:
 
A Bank Manager and his friend are sailing across a lake when the Bank Manager stumbles and falls overboard .

The friend grabs a life preserver, holds it up, not knowing if the banker could swim or not and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously yes ” the banker replied, “but I'm %$$££ drowning here this is not the £$%^ time to talk business.” :mad:
 
A weighty Time Traveller goes to ancient Rome and realises he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realising his mistake he visits a Toga Outfitters to purchase new appropriate clothes. He looks around the shop and realises on the surface they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the assistant

"Do you have XL togas?"

" Well, yes we do , but why do you need so many?" :08::tw:
 
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