jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
‘And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth.'
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
I have a rather risque what's the difference joke I heard many moons ago I will of course be discreet and not reprint the actual answer .

What is the difference between Gordon Ramsey and a run through the woods and fields

One is a pant in the country and the other is .................................. a Cook Oh Matron ! :eek::30::08:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Two men are sitting at a table trying to outdo each other.

One guy says, "I have ants"

The second guy replies, "Yeah ! I do to but my ants are taller than yours."

So the first guy now says 'Well, I have a tube of glue!",

To which the second guy replies " Really! I have an entire tin of it."

Finally, the first guy says "but I also have bread."

Unable to outdo the first guy any longer, the second guy says

"There's no way I can better that with my glue tin 'n taller ants." :08::tw::fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing Shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo pish an jobbies !"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass upper crust accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?" :08:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Dave the young novice Zoo keeper is on his first day of work. He is in the aquatic room, changing a fluorescent tube. One end drops in the tropical fish tank and it instantly electrocutes all the fish.

They all float to the surface. He knows if the boss spots this, he'll be instantly fired. He takes the tube out, collects all the dead fish in a bucket. Puts a cardboard sign on the tank "Emptied for tank cleaning". Now he has to get rid of the evidence. The big cat section is nearby, so he throws the fish over and they get eaten by the lions.

He thought to himself "Dodged a bullet there". His next duty takes him to the monkey House. He is slopping out, but he doesn't notice two chimps creeping up on him. They pounce on to Dave, out of reflex he hits one chimp with a spade and repels the other chimp who hits his head on the concrete. They are both dead. He thinks "Oh no not again!" He scoops up both of them and throws them in to the Lion den, they gobble the dead chimps up.

Dave goes on to his next task to the insect house. Where he has to clean out the preying mantis cage and then move some bees. He cleans out the cage with no problem. He carefully transfer some bees from a clear perspex container to the main hive. He unfortunately steps on the queen bee so they all attack and sting him. In reflex he hits the hive with his spade and squashes all the bees. Signing he scoops them up puts the squashed remains in his bucket, then takes them to the lion's den. They gobble them up.

Dave decides to go home as it's not his day. Later that afternoon a different zookeeper takes delivery of a new lion from a different zoo .He releases the lion in with the others and then leaves.

The new lion goes up to the oldHead lion and says "Nice place you have here. Everyone seems friendly, but what is the food like?"

The Head lion smiles and says in a broad Lancashire accent " Ey up , It's really great, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees". :tw::fp:
 

dick

LOTSW Fanatic
A one humped camel is a Dromedary, a two humped camel is a Bactrian.
A three humped camel is..........................pregnant :fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Last week, a group of Hell's Angel's bikers were riding along when they saw a girl about to jump off a railway Bridge so they stopped.

Blaze Wilder, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police and he says, "Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that there railin'?"

She says "I'm going to commit suicide!"

Blaze says "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, how about you give ol' Blaze here your best goodbye kiss?"


Without hesitation, she leaned back over the rail and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss plus a few more real wet ones. Blaze gets cheers of approval from his biker-buddies, onlookers, and even the police.

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you got there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you thinkin of committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up as a girl." :30:
 

dick

LOTSW Fanatic
An attractive woman go's up to the barman in a quiet pub.She seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers,.She immediately starts stroking his bushy beard. She says to him "are you the manager?"As she stroked his face with both hands.
"Actually no "he stammered. "Can you get him for me?"
"I'm afraid I cant " he said ,by this time getting more flustered."Anything I can do?"
"C an you give him a message?" she said popping her fingers close to his lips where upon he began to lick them.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies!"giving his hair one final rub!:08::fp:
 

maltrab

Administrator
Staff member
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
 
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