jokes bad or otherwise.

maltrab

Administrator
Staff member
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says,
'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns
your blood yellow
and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home
and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo
with her that evening as he's never been there
with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card
he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line
and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins
that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never
seen anyone win four corners, a line,
the full-house and the national game on
the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed.
'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'
Blow me,' says the bingo caller.
'You've won the raffle as well !!
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
You don’t see too many people hang-gliding deep down in Kentucky, but Ol’ John Hickory decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took his new toy to the highest mountain and readied to take flight. After a taking a few deep breaths, John took off running and when he reached the edge he sailed off into the wind.

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw were sitting on their porch swing, talking about the good ol’ days. That’s when maw spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen!

Maw pointed to the sky and said, “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!”

As he stood to his feet, Paw said, “Git me my gun, Maw.”

After briefly running into the house, Maw brought Paw his pump action shotgun.

He took careful aim before taking his shot, then BLAM!

The monster bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops.

With a look of concern, Maw said, “I think ya missed him, Paw.”

“Yeah,” replied Paw, “but at least he let go of Ol’ John!”
 

dick

LOTSW Fanatic
A robber go's into a bank and holds everyone hostage .He is leaving with his cash when he stops.
"Did you see my face ? he asks one customer. "Yes I did! he answers. So the robber shoots him. He asks another woman if she saw his face.
"No" she said "but I think my husband did !" :08::oops:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three butter beans and an envelope containing £30 in cash.

The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."

"When I did fool around, I put a butter bean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion," she explained.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of weakness in his wife.

"I'm curious though," he said ,"Where did the thirty quid come from?"

"Oh that, " his wife replied, "Well, when butter beans hit ten pounds a bushel, I decided to sell "
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a computer programmer," said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship Vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"WON," radioed the American sub.
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
:tw::tw::fp::fp: [I thought I'd get the groans out the way first ]

I joined the Army and was stationed at a camp near Catterick . In the camp there was a huge ornamental robot called Old Ironsides which had a big brass bugle . To summon the recruits like me Old Ironsides would blow reville to get us up, Mess call for meals , drill call to get us onto the parade ground etc.

Day after day this happened and we became used to Ironsides and we were reliant on him wholesale . One day there was complete silence and there was total disarray . Recruits were half dressed on the drill square with a half eaten plate of food it was total chaos . The Sergeant Major appeared and totally blasted the assembled troops calling us a ":$%£ shambles" .

One recruit piped up and told the Sergeant that old Ironsides had failed to sound the calls and everyone was left confused . " To s@$% you horrible shower " came the reply " It's Ferrous Bugler's day off! "
 

dick

LOTSW Fanatic
A woman went into the kitchen to find her husband dashing around with a fly swatter;
"what are you doing ?" "Killing flies !"was his reply!
" Getting many ?" she asked "Three males and two females "he said.
"How do you know ?" she asked
" Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone !" :08::eyesroll:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
It is a little known fact but the four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. They sought out a meeting with Henry Ford who was really interested. They took him outside stuck him in a car, the temperature on the inside was way over a 100 degrees , turned on their invention and the car cooled down rapidly .

Ford was interested and tried to strike a deal but the Four Brothers wanted every car's system to have "The Goldberg Air Conditioning System" engraved on the air con unit . Ford , as a known anti-semitic , would not allow that but finally agreed to go part of the way but in exchange for $4M instead of the $2M they wanted.

That is why on every Ford Car to this day every air con unit has the name of the four brothers emblazoned on it Low-Norm-Hi-Max :08::fp:;)
 
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