imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
Why is it a good idea to go to an orchestra concert when you have a cold? Because the tunes help you breath more easily!
jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
3 men die and go to heaven.
Upon entry, St Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."
The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Rolls Royce.
The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was faithful after that. He was given a Honda.
The last man who had cheated quite a lot on his partners was given a bike.
A few days later, the guy with the bike sees the Rolls Royce guy crying. He asks him, "Why are you crying? you have everything you could ever want here."
He replies, "I just saw my wife on a pair of roller skates."
Upon entry, St Peter says, "You will be rewarded based on how honest and faithful you were in your relationships."
The first man had never cheated on his wife and was extremely faithful. So he was given a Rolls Royce.
The second man had once had an affair but had soon changed and was faithful after that. He was given a Honda.
The last man who had cheated quite a lot on his partners was given a bike.
A few days later, the guy with the bike sees the Rolls Royce guy crying. He asks him, "Why are you crying? you have everything you could ever want here."
He replies, "I just saw my wife on a pair of roller skates."
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
I once lent a friend £5000 for plastic surgery. Now, I don't recognise him to get my money back.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, a young lad led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the lad replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the lad. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey, you jerk! It’s three in the morning!”
“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the lad replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch,” said the lad. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey, you jerk! It’s three in the morning!”
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”
At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
They went to sleep and then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”
At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
They went to sleep and then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell
While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million rubles, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Angela Merkel calls Germany and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million euros , so she writes him a cheque.
Finally Boris gets his turn to call the UK and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is £5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Boris got to call UK so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: "Since Boris took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million rubles, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Angela Merkel calls Germany and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million euros , so she writes him a cheque.
Finally Boris gets his turn to call the UK and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is £5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Boris got to call UK so cheaply. The devil smiled and replied: "Since Boris took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A little ditty from Are You Being Served today
On the chest of a barmaid from Sale
was tattooed all the prices of ales
whilst on her behind for the sake of the blind
was precisely the same but in braille.
On the chest of a barmaid from Sale
was tattooed all the prices of ales
whilst on her behind for the sake of the blind
was precisely the same but in braille.
Peripheral
Dedicated Member
Oh crumbs 
The Irish Railway Company
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company - Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
Numbers, 22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
(Numbers 22: 21-22)
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company - Larnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Larnrod Eireann.
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
Numbers, 22nd Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
(Numbers 22: 21-22)
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Angela Merkel is in London for the G7 conference . When work is done for the day her husband and her retire to the Hotel Cocktail bar . At the bar Angela asks for two martinis , "Dry?" the barman asks , " Nein! Zwei! " Angela answers.