jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Three dead bodies arrive at the mortuary and all three have huge smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob a redneck from Oklahoma, aged 30, was struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. " He thought he was having his picture taken.
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
There is a local AA meeting at the village hall and a new member has just risen to his feet to confess his problems . " Hello I'm Tim and I'm an alcoholic. I started drinking beer excessively years ago but I quickly switched to wine and then spirits gin , vodka , whisky I have drank them all but now I have progressed to Brake Fluid "


The group are genuinely puzzled and collectively shout "Brake Fluid!!"

The man replies "Yes Brake Fluid but I am not sure I should even be here because I think I can now stop anytime " :fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
St. Peter comes out and says "Alright everyone... We are pretty full in heaven right now, so we've decided that whoever can tell the best story of how they died, will get into heaven"

One man steps forward and says "I definitely have the best one..."

"I lived in an apartment complex, and I had been suspecting my wife had been cheating on me. So I came home early from work today, and found her naked in our bed. I searched the whole apartment trying to find a man, and found him hanging from the windowsill. I beat his hands with my fists but he wouldn't fall. Then I grabbed a brick from our closet and beat his hands until he did fall. Unfortunately he fell down onto the balcony below our apartment, so I grabbed our refrigerator and chucked it out the window, then had a heart attack and died"

"Not a bad story," St. Peter says. "I think you just might be the one who gets into heaven..."

"Not so fast," another man says. "I have a story that will beat that one out..."

"I worked as a window washer. And I was working on an apartment complex when my support collapsed. Luckily, I was able to grab on to a windowsill. Right when I was pulling myself up, a MANIAC came out of the window and started beating my fists. I held on tight and didn't fall. Then he found a brick somehow and hit my hands until I fell. Luckily, I landed on a balcony only a floor below. Just when I thought I was safe this REFRIGERATOR out of NOWHERE lands on top of me, and I die."

"Wow," St. Peter says, "I think you have the best story now. I don't know who can beat that"

"Hold up a minute, I can beat that" says a third man outside the gate.

"So I'm hiding, naked, in this refrigerator...."
 
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