jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A 65 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away

A gentleman approached the lady and said

"Ma'am, I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"

The lady replied, "Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away"

"I understand ma'am, but you aren't wearing any underwear ", replied the gentleman.

The lady looked down then back up at the gentleman and said,

"Sir, anything you see down that is 65 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Jessie loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jessie 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jessie returns home, and her housemate asks 'Was the tubist a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jessie 'His lips were fat and slobbery. He was gross to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a French horn player. As usual, she returns home and her housemate asks how the French horn player was


'He was okay to kiss' said Jessie 'But I LOVED how he held me...'
 

dick

LOTSW Fanatic
A man go's about his faulty TV , The assistant asks him "Is it a smart TV ?"
"Oh aye" the man says "The wife polishes it all the while!":D
 

dick

LOTSW Fanatic
A woman go's in the bakers to be confronted by a man rolling about the floor.
"Whats all this about?" she asks.
The baker told her that he came in every day for half a dozen rolls ! :fp::eek2:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
One day, a letter came into the Post Office depot addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. A sorter thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving £$%&*(s at the Post Office !
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays. I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table.

After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and low and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quickly hide under the food again.

I knew I had seen some eyes so I went over to the server and said 'excuse me but there's something alive in that tray.'

He replied, 'oh, that's the Peking duck.' :fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs."
 
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