jokes bad or otherwise.

"Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?" My wife asked.
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your presents tomorrow?" I replied.
 
AN OLDIE....but I think is good

Is there a Santa Claus?
  1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
  2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
  3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
  4. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
  5. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
  6. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion — If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Click to expand...
 
A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black colour, but colour turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Colour when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown colour.”

The prince says "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed.”

“Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. It is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change colour or they will reject you," the Russian explains.

“Well,” the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here.”

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the barn and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

“I told you. He from Turkey,” the Russian explains, "It's a tan bull, can't stand a noble.”
 
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...Naturally, (since he was her husband.)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the garden shed and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
 
So a couple of farmers are standing around talking.

One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbours cows to!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kind of tasted like mints."
 
A woman in New York was running late for Sunday worship at her local church.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell flat on her face ,her hat flew off and her dress came up over her head .

She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,

"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked

The priest looked at her and said "No, but your hat is kind of on crooked"
 
A man has to have an x ray and goes to the hospital but can’t find the x ray department,
He comes across a waiting room with two people but no sign of the receptionist,
He goes up to the lady sat waiting and says
”Excuse me is this the x ray department ?”
She looks him straight in the eyes and says
”O,wad some power,the giftie gie us,
To see oursels as others see us,
I wad frae monie a blunder free us”
Unnerved by this the man walks away and approaches the only other person in the room,a man sat reading a magazine,
”Excuse me,is this the x ray department” he says,
The man looks up from his magazine and says,
”Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie,
O,what a panics in thy breastie,
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
WI‘ bickering brattle “
At this point the receptionist returns and the man goes over to her,
”Excuse me” he says,” I’m looking for the x ray department”
”Oh you’re in the wrong place” says the receptionist,
”This is the Burns unit”

Happy Burns night tonight to anyone celebrating it,it’s even an excuse for a single malt for us sassenach’s
Here are some Rabbie Burns facts :
He was only 37 when he died,
He fathered 12 children,the last of which was born on the day of his funeral,
He wrote Auld Lang Syne,
He wrote more songs than poems.
Chuffer x
 
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