jokes bad or otherwise.

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A taxi driver and a priest are in line for heaven.

The taxi driver is greeted by an angel and is given a golden staff and silk robe.

The priest, a little while later, met the angel and was given a wooden staff and paper robe.

The priest said to the angel “how am I given a wooden staff and paper robe when the taxi driver is given gold and silk”.

The angel replied “ in heaven we work off results and whilst you were preaching the people slept, however when he was driving his passengers prayed for their lives”
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

Oh Matron!!
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
A waitress at a restaurant gives a man his bill.

As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three pence for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left as a tip

Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.

Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married.

Man: Yes, that's true too.

Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
 

dick

LOTSW Fanatic
Why did Shakespeare write his plays with a quill pen ??
He could not decide which pencil to use !
2B OR NOT 2B ! :fp:
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow and you eat free at Smokey Joe's Fish emporium for a week."
 

captain clutterbuck

LOTSW Fanatic
Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! What you gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?”
 
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