jokes bad or otherwise.

A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.

The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack.

The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning.

Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.

And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants.

He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.

When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch.

She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
 
A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.
 
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
 
As US tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," Morris replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he said.... "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked "Morris what took you so long to answer?

Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
 
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".

The lady replies "I want to kill my husband."

"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.

The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position - the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife - and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says... "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
 
My mate bought a card to apologise for calling his girlfriend 'Fat' and 'Distant', but it just made matters worse.
That's the last time he uses MoonPig.com.
 
I've been growing a beard for around 6 weeks now.
It looks really strange nestled in between my tomato plants.
 
I've just watched Ireland beat Italy in the Rugby World Cup.
I'm surprised the Italians didn't use their normal tactics at half time...
...by putting on the Irish strip and joining the winning side.
 
maltrab said:
The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post

Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie

in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile
work environment.
:)
Click to expand...
 
Last week I entered a competition for original designs.
Unfortuately they called this morning to say I didn't make it.
 
I have to say this planking business is getting out of hand. I saw my neighbour lying on the living room floor 3 days ago and he is still there
 
I walked into Mothercare and said to the shop assistant, "Can you change a baby's nappy in here?"
"Of course" she replied.
"Great" I said, handing her my son. "I think you'll need plenty of wipes, it's going to be a messy one."
 
What do we want?
An end to Corporation dominance!
When do we want it?
Straight after this message from our sponsors!
 
I was best man at my mate's wedding. Halfway through the ceremony he turned to me and said: "Have you got the ring?"
I passed it to him - "It's the extended bluray version with director's commentary and extra deleted scenes."
 
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