jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
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Guest
I am glad that you said your biscuit.. LOL I thought it might be your finger and you couldn't type your jokes....
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Guest
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
C
Compo
Guest
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Guest
No Milk Today
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
Cancel one pint after the day after today.
Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
C
Compo
Guest
A Yorkshire farmer went into a jewellers shop in Harrogate. He was constantly chewing. The salesgirl said, "Can I help you Sir?"
"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".
"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"
"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.
"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.
"Gold", he said.
"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.
"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".
"Aye" he said, still chewing. "I'd like one 'o them theer rings".
"Yes Sir, wedding or engagement?"
"Wedding, tha nos", he said, chewing constantly.
"Gold or Silver?", said the salesgirl, watching him chewing.
"Gold", he said.
"Eighteen Carats?", said the girl.
"Nay lass", he said. "It's toffee and it's stuck in me teeth".
This one did remind me of the following:
A Computer Programmer's Wife Asks Him to Go To The Store
A wife asks her husband, a computer programmer; "Could you please go to the store for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
A balding, white haired man from Melbourne in Victoria , walked into a jewellery store in a local shopping centre last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
REMEMBER... Not All Seniors Are Senile..
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know, said the old man,
'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
REMEMBER... Not All Seniors Are Senile..
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Guest
HYMN #365
This is too funny - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said...
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said...
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said...
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down...
The Song Leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing...
"For our closing Song, Let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
This is too funny - but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said...
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said...
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said...
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down...
The Song Leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing...
"For our closing Song, Let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
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Guest
George my mate, 2 + 1 = 3 so how do you get 4.. Back to your corner.... LOL
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Guest
I hate reruns, once is enough.................
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sir coffalot
Guest
IF YOU ARE BAD AT MATHS GEORGE, HOWS YOUR GEOGRAPHY?? APPARENTLY 6 OUT OF 10 BRITONS SURVEYED SAY MOUNT EVEREST IS IN THE U K :I said I was bad at maths
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Guest
What part of Britain do these 6 out of 10 Britains live?? LOL