jokes bad or otherwise.

Another from USA

Mom walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of
animal crackers spread on the counter top.

Mom: "Why did you pour out the whole box?"

Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken. I'm looking for
the seal."
 
I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.
Mind you, my legs have never smelled so minty.
 
My mate's daughter's hamster died, so he replaced it while she was at school.
He said as soon as she walked in her room she noticed and said,
"What are you doing in the hamster's cage dad?"
 
Getting old is so hard at times.


Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poly-Grip.

Now I talk like an asshole.

...............but my gums don't itch.
 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little B******.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

From Billy Connolly:
"If women are so perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?
 
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year,,,

Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him..

There was only silence at the other end of the line,

so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet

he felt like an idiot.
 
We had my grandad round the other day and he was trying to work out how to use the remote for the television.
"I miss when there were no remotes," He grumbled, "And all you got was a series of knobs on the television."
So I showed him The Jeremy Kyle Show.
 
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said,
"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
 
I was quite disappointed when I heard that Englebert was chosen as Britain's entry. But then I heard thet Russia has some old Grannies for it's entry. So after seeing this I think my country Malta has a good chance. No offence to anyone...
 
Young lady, your curfew is 11pm, what have you been doing until 1am?
Same thing I did until 11, but 2 more times.
 
I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, "Sorry but I forgot what room I'm in."
"No problem Sir, this is called the lobby."
 
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