jokes bad or otherwise.

Last month a World-Wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question was asked:-
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was an abject failure due to the following:
1. In Eastern Europe, they struggled to understand the meaning of the word 'Honest'.
2. In Western Europe, they struggled to understand the meaning of the word 'Shortage'.
3. In the Middle East, they struggled to understand the meaning of the word 'Solutions'.
4. In Africa, they struggled to understand the meaning of the word 'Food'.
5. In China, they struggled to understand the meaning of the word ' Opinion'.
6. In South America, they struggled to understand the meaning of the word 'Please'.
7. In North America, they struggled to understand the meaning of the phrase 'The rest of the world'.
8. In the UK, they just hung up when they heard the Indian accent.
 
Scotland has put in place a plan that could sell water to England for £20 million, if the drought persists
And for £3 million more they've promised not to wee in it
 
I've discovered that when the screen on your laptop freezes it's a good idea not to try and defrost it in the microwave.
 
George said:
I've discovered that when the screen on your laptop freezes it's a good idea not to try and defrost it in the microwave.
Click to expand...

You are right, just give it a good bang on the side and presto the screen will go black... LOL
 
SNOOTY RECEPTIONIST
>
>An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
>The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
>Receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
>
>In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE
>THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
>
>All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
>He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT
>A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
>
>The room erupted in applause!
>
>
>DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FOLKS.
>
 
MAN OF THE HOUSE!

>>> A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE

>>> Man of Your House".

>>> Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the

>>> kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I

>>> am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a

>>> gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal,

>>> you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After

>>> dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the

>>> way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

>>> You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring

>>> me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit

>>> of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's

>>> going to dress me and comb my hair?"

>>> The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless

>>> I have your ass cremated."

>

>
 
"What's wrong love?" I asked my wife when she started sobbing uncontrollably over breakfast this morning.
"I know I'm being sensitive but it's my first Mother's Day and I was hoping that I might get a little something to mark the occasion." She replied.
"I think you're expecting too much", I laughed, "He's only six months old, even if he did manage to crawl to the shop to buy you a card he wouldn't be able to write it."
 
Good sunday morning George. Well you could have bought the card for him and put his finger prints on it. LOL

So what's for lunch today? Are you the cook at home? We are having rabbit and for tea it is carrot cake..
 
Compo said:
Good sunday morning George. Well you could have bought the card for him and put his finger prints on it. LOL

So what's for lunch today? Are you the cook at home? We are having rabbit and for tea it is carrot cake..
Click to expand...

Good Morning fine sir.
I can't move around too much and with my wife also disabled we tend to see how we feel when it comes to meal times.
Enjoy the rabbit and carrot cake. :)
 
I've been talking to the press about my battle with mental illness.
Then thanked it for putting perfect creases in my trousers.
 
My wife gave me a wicker basket full of cold meats, sandwiches, fruit cake and crockery and told me to take it to the car.
I couldn't I was hampered.
 
George said:
Compo said:
Good sunday morning George. Well you could have bought the card for him and put his finger prints on it. LOL

So what's for lunch today? Are you the cook at home? We are having rabbit and for tea it is carrot cake..
Click to expand...

Good Morning fine sir.
I can't move around too much and with my wife also disabled we tend to see how we feel when it comes to meal times.
Enjoy the rabbit and carrot cake. :)
Click to expand...

As a newbie I didn't know that George. Considering your situation you have a great of humour. Cheers to you....Life can't be very easy...
 
Compo said:
George said:
Compo said:
Good sunday morning George. Well you could have bought the card for him and put his finger prints on it. LOL

So what's for lunch today? Are you the cook at home? We are having rabbit and for tea it is carrot cake..
Click to expand...

Good Morning fine sir.
I can't move around too much and with my wife also disabled we tend to see how we feel when it comes to meal times.
Enjoy the rabbit and carrot cake. :)
Click to expand...

As a newbie I didn't know that George. Considering your situation you have a great of humour. Cheers to you....Life can't be very easy...
Click to expand...

No problem Compo.The way I look at it is things could be a lot worse so just enjoy.
 
For his birthday, a boy asked his parents to get him a signed Manchester United shirt.
On the big day, he opened my present, and found just a plain football shirt.
He turned to his Dad, "I asked for this to be signed!"
He said, "It is, look at the back of it."
He turned it round, and saw across the bottom in scrawly handwriting:
"Love from Mum and Dad xxx"
 
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

And that's when the fight started...
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.
 
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."

And then the fight started...
 
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