jokes bad or otherwise.

I have a Chinese friend called Ding.

Every time the microwave goes off, he thinks someone's calling him.
 
BBC: Greek PM announces new cabinet.

They are said to be thrilled, and say it will go very nicely with the six piece dining set donated by China, and the several flat packed bookshelves from Sweden.
 
I rang up a take-away and asked "Do you deliver?"
“No” they replied “we do Chicken, Pork and Beef”.
 
This is a joke but it wasn't at the moment it happened to me and my wife in Spain this past Easter.

It was good friday and we were looking for a spot of lunch. You must know that Easter week everyone is closed. We finally found this small restaurant. We wanted to eat fish. So we walked in and sat at a table. The waitress brought us the menu.. One look at it we saw that it was in Spanish. A small problem. I had a quick look then called her over and asked if they serve fish. She said "No fish" But I then asked if they have Merluzzu (Fish) which I noticed on the menu she said "Merluzzu yes fish no" I said ok we'll have that and chips. She said "Chips no" We are playing games here. LOL. I said how about patate frite (Chips) she said yes. By the time we translatred it all we almost gave up on lunch..
 
My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have.
Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Batman costume.
 
My friend just told me that Black Caviar is running at Ascot.

Must be an outbreak of food poisoning in the royal enclosure.
 
An extra 7000 staff have been employed to man NatWest's call centre to sort out the problems caused by the computer system malfunction.
In other news, the streets of Delhi & Mumbai are said to be mysteriously deserted this morning.
 
I said to my wife "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied "you can borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit it.
 
My wife said that our Chinese neighbour had gone back to Peking.
I jumped on the chance to correct her, "I think it's called Beijing, now"
"All right smart alec...." she snapped, "...The Chinese neighbour has gone back to BEIJING through the window at me when I'm getting undressed"
 
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...
 
Before the Italy match Roy Hodgson asked the English squad if they'd settle for pens. Everyone but Wayne Rooney said yes - he said he wanted crayons.
 
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC:

[PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS]


25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's bloody scary...

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all!
 
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook....."
 
Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife. Apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one!!
 
Venus Williams has blamed her first round exit at Wimbledon to the balls not bouncing correctly.
May I suggest for her to try some better fitting underwear?
 
From my American correspondent:


Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
 
A little girl asked her mother for a poundto give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the cash.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells sweets."
 
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