jokes bad or otherwise.

I went to a doctor and he told me I was overweight. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Okay, you're ugly too."
 
Dad: "As long as you're living under my roof you're gonna do what I tell you."
Teenage son: "Then I'm gonna go on the roof."
 
Kathy walks into the kitchen and sees Rachel with the whole box of animal
crackers spread out on the counter top.

Kathy: "Why did you pour out the whole box?"

Rachel: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.' I'm looking for
the seal."
 
I bought my Obsessive/Compulsive mate a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
He's going nuts trying to hang it straight.
 
A nose walks into a bar and says , "pint a bitter please".
The barman says, "I'm not serving you, your already off your face".
 
I'm suing my local poledancing club for misrepresentation, it was definitely the girl that was dancing !
 
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a
major fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he
frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

Sure enough, when he arrived at the small rural airport, a plane was warming
up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the
air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a
photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with
great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the flight
instructor?"
 
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? That's what you got!"
 
I took two stuffed dogs I had onto an Antiques Roadshow valuation day. The presenter said" these are a rare breed, do you know what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?" "Sticks ??" I replied.
 
For her birthday,my mates wife asked for a personal trainer,so he got one of her Nike's and wrote her name on it.
 
A fella bumps into an old school friend and he started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
The fella said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
The fella replies , "No, she's an optician."
 
You know how they say "You end up looking like your pets"?
Well my wife reckons I'm hiding a pet hippo from her.
 
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