jokes bad or otherwise.

I called 999 for an ambulance today.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the operator.
"My wife stubbed her toe on the coffee table" I replied
"And you want an ambulance for that?" he laughed.
I said, "No, it's for me, I shouldn't have laughed."
 
I saw forty old ladies whizzing down the road on their mobility scooters ,then it struck me; today is the Gran National.
 
Do you ever have that nightmare where someone is chasing you?" I asked.
"No, that doesn't worry me at all." replied Usain Bolt.
 
A traveller walking along a road asked an old man working in a field to
how long it would take to get to the next village. But the old man didn’t
answer, so the traveller kept walking.
He hadn’t gone far when he heard a call: “Hi, mister, it’ll take you about 20
minutes”.
“Why didn’t you tell me that when I asked you?” asked the traveller.
“How did I know how fast you were going to walk?” replied the old man.
 
The mother of many children lined up her family.
“The one who obeys me immediately and does exactly as he’s told without
arguing will get a pound at the end of the week.”
“It’s not fair,” said the youngest kid, bursting into tears. “Daddy'’ll win easily.”
 
A not-too-bright candidate for the police force failed in the written
examination. Since he was the Chief’s nephew, the examiner decided to go
easy on him with the oral test.
“Who shot Abraham Lincoln?”, asked the examiner.
The candidate pondered for a moment and then asked if he could have
sometime to come up with the answer. The examiner told him to come back
the next morning.
When the would-be recruit went home, his wife asked, “Well, how did it go?
Did you get the job?”.
“I think so,” he replied. “They have already got me working on a case”.
 
At the company board meeting the chairman rose to make his speech.
‘Who’s been carrying on with my secretary?’ he demanded.
This was met with silence. ‘All right, then,’ said the chairman, ‘put it this way
— who has not been carrying on with my secretary?’
Again there was silence, and then one man said, self-consciously: ‘Me, sir.’
‘Right,’ said the Chairman. ‘You sack her.’
 
Teacher: ‘Everything you do is wrong. How can you expect to get a job
when you leave school’
Pupil: ‘Well, sir! I’m going to be a TV weatherman.
 
Patient: ‘Doctor, do you think that I will live until I’m a hundred?’
Doctor: ‘Do you smoke or drink?’
Patient: ‘No.’
Doctor: ‘Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?’
Patient: ‘Certainly not!’
Doctor: ‘Then what do you want to live to a hundred for?’
 
The frantic-looking lady came rushing out of her house into the street and
cried: ‘Help! Help! My young son has swallowed a coin and is choking. I
don’t know what to do!’
Everyone looked the other way, except for a middle-aged gentleman who
rushed into the lady’s house, found her young son, turned him upside down
and shook him until the coin fell out of his mouth.
‘Oh, thank you!’ cried the lady. ‘Are you a doctor?’
‘No madam,’ replied the middle-aged man. ‘I’m from the Income Tax
Department.’
 
Fred at last could see a way of making a fortune. He had trained his parrot,
after month of hard work, to tell jokes.
At last he felt ready to cash in on all his hard work, and took the parrot down
to his pub.
‘This is my incredible joke-telling parrot,’ boasted Fred.
‘Go on ,’ jeered the pub regulars. ‘We’ll give you ten to one that your parrot
can’t tell us a joke.’
‘All right,’ replied Fred. ‘I accept your bet.’
But try as he could, Fred was unable to make the parrot talk — let alone tell
jokes.
On the way home Fred shook the bird and shouted: ‘What do you mean by
keeping quiet? You made me lose a ten to one bet!’
‘Don’t worry!’ squawked the parrot. ‘Tomorrow you’ll be able to get fifty to
one.’
 
A patient complains to a famous psychologist: ‘Professor, I’ve been having
terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.’
‘Who’s been treating you until now?’
‘Dr Lal Rathor.‘
‘I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do.’
‘To come and see you.’
 
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"
 
I called the manager over last night and said, "I've just taken a bite of this fish and it tastes disgusting."
"I'm not surprised," he replied, "Please leave the pet shop immediately."
 
A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor.

She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?"

Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."
 
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
 
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
 
Why is it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" they don't show anyone going to work, paying their bills, or cleaning up their kid's vomit?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top