jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
Purloined from elsewhere, I know, before anyone complains:
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
Recently in traffic court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed policeman had given his okay for the man to park there.
The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next."
The judge asked the man if he would recognize the officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
The judge then said, "Good. When you see the officer again, tell him he owes you $157. Next."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A stamp was issued in 2003 honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.
It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.
The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.
It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
FUN VOICEMAIL MESSAGES
~ Hi. Now you say something.
~ Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
~ Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
~ I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
~ Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
~ This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
~ Roses are red, Violets are cheap, Leave your message After the beep.
~ Hi. Now you say something.
~ Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
~ Hello. I'm around now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.
~ I can't answer the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
~ Hi. I'm probably around, but I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
~ This is not voicemail. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
~ Roses are red, Violets are cheap, Leave your message After the beep.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
DOCTORS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:
~ By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
~ Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~ The patient refused an autopsy.
~ The patient has no past history of suicides.
~ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
~ The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
~ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~ She is numb from the toes down.
~ The skin was moist and dry.
~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:
~ By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
~ Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~ The patient refused an autopsy.
~ The patient has no past history of suicides.
~ The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
~ The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
~ The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~ She is numb from the toes down.
~ The skin was moist and dry.
~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
OXYMORONS
(contradictory words)
Act naturally
Advanced basic
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
Artificial intelligence
Awful good
Campaign promise
Civil war
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Dodge Ram
Exact estimate
Extinct life
Found missing
Friendly fire
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Hands-off management
Head butt
Hospital food
Jumbo shrimp
Large minority
Legally drunk
Living dead
Marijuana initiative
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
Near miss (its really a near hit!)
New classic
Now, then...
Passive aggression
Personal computer
Plastic glasses
Plastic silverware
Plymouth Reliant
Political science
Politically correct
Positive campaigning
Pretty ugly
Random order
Resident alien
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Senior class
Silent scream
Small crowd
Social sciences
Social worker
Soft rock
Software documentation
Speedy brakes
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Tax Return
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Virtual reality
Wicked good
Work party
Working vacation
(contradictory words)
Act naturally
Advanced basic
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
Artificial intelligence
Awful good
Campaign promise
Civil war
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Dodge Ram
Exact estimate
Extinct life
Found missing
Friendly fire
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Hands-off management
Head butt
Hospital food
Jumbo shrimp
Large minority
Legally drunk
Living dead
Marijuana initiative
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
Near miss (its really a near hit!)
New classic
Now, then...
Passive aggression
Personal computer
Plastic glasses
Plastic silverware
Plymouth Reliant
Political science
Politically correct
Positive campaigning
Pretty ugly
Random order
Resident alien
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Senior class
Silent scream
Small crowd
Social sciences
Social worker
Soft rock
Software documentation
Speedy brakes
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Tax Return
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Virtual reality
Wicked good
Work party
Working vacation
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
" Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
Where do we get permission from? I have no permission slip
Perhaps one of our American friends can tell us - perhaps you need a permit in an American Hospital?
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.
When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
Apologies to American friends - but I got this from the USA!
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.
When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
Apologies to American friends - but I got this from the USA!