jokes bad or otherwise.

A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill replied, pleased.

So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied.

At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers.

Bill just sat there........................................................................................................ naked. :eek::39:
 
A Political Marketing example:-

Tipper Gore discovered that her husband's great great uncle, Gunther Gore, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.

The only existing photograph shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Gunther Gore; horse thief. Sent to Tennessee Prison 1883, escaped 1887. Robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting President Clinton's large staff of professional image consultants review this discovery, they took the following actions to assist Al's campaign to become our next president. They decided to crop Gunther's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edited it with image processing software so that all that is seen in the final picture is a head shot. Along with this enhanced photo, the accompanying biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press:

"Gunther Gore was a famous cattleman in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad company. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his business enterprise with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Gunther regrettably died suddenly during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."
 
Little Fred is having problem learning Maths, its bad report after bad report so his parents in desperation enrol him in a very strict Catholic School. After his first day and returning home, instead of his normal straight on with the TV and watching Cartoons plus munching his way through crisps and biscuits he goes straight to his room .

His Mum goes up 15 minutes later and sees him writing studiously with Maths books all over his desk . Finally at year end he brings his report home and shows it to his parents , to their astonishment he has an A+ for Maths , they are so happy and praise him to the highest level.

Curious his Mum asks him why he has changed from the days when he was getting straight E's . Little Fred replies " Well on that very first day I knew they were serious about Maths when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign!" :eek:;)
 
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some dollup wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"Honestly ?" replied the boy. "Did she play much for Toronto Maple Leafs"
 
Here's a joke that will appeal to and please Pearl and the other lady members on the site:-

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
;)
 
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
 
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell some happy stories and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the to get the keys from Reception."
 
Yes, I’m tired!!

For several years I’ve been blaming it on getting older, lack of sleep, weekend projects, stale office air, poor nutrition, carrying extra pounds, raising a family, recent colds, and a dozen other reasons that make you wonder why life is getting rough. .

But now I found out what’s really happening! I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of the UK reached 66 million this year. 20 million of the population are retired. That leaves 46 million to do the work. There are 19 million toddlers and 11 million students in schools, which leaves 16 million to do the work. Of that total, 3 million are unemployed leaving 13 million to do the work.

Then you take away 5 million in hospitals and that leaves 8 million to do the work. 2 million are in prisons and that’s 6 million left to do the work. Now take away 1,683,468 Government, 1,344,722 Council and 370,743 Civil Servants who run our government and you’re left with 2,601,067 to do the work. Take away the 2,601,065 people in the Armed Forces and that leaves just two people to do the work - You and Me! And you’re just sitting there reading this!

No wonder I’m tired!!! :mad:
 
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