jokes bad or otherwise.

I just saw a man walking down the road carrying a triangular piece of glass and I thought to myself...
'That must be a bit of a pane'
 
I bought some sensitive shaving gel the other day and every time I try to use it, it complains about being touched.
 
Kid said to his dad 'It's raining cats and dogs outside!'
'I know, I just stepped in a poodle' replied his dad. ...BOOM BOOM!
 
"So doctor, how did the operation go?" I asked, nervously,
"Hmmmm this is a bit tricky..." He replied,
"Doc, put the Rubiks cube down, I'm trying to talk to you..."
 
My mate says his wife's been hinting that she wants something black and lacy for Christmas so he's got her a pair of football boots.
 
I was standing in a queue at the bank and a fellow next to me had a golf bag slung over his shoulder and we struck up a conversation.

He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was the local Golf captain. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I gave it up as I wasn't very good. I regulalrly got in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low intake of breath, then "The lower seventies?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole." I confessed.
 
I met a Doctor at the pub last night.
"So are you the type of Doctor that treats people?" I asked.
"I am." He replied.
I said "Great, I'll have a pint."
 
I saw a snail begging outside of Sainsbury's today...
Although it was hard to tell if it was a homeless snail, or just a cunning slug.
 
My mate came into the pub last night with a black eye,complaining that he was hit by a bloke at work.
"What do you expect?", I said. "You're a boxer."
 
My mate left his wife because she was too immature.
Every time he took a bath, she would come in and sink his boats.
 
A mother asked her son to go to the shop for a carton of milk, "and if they have eggs, get 6."she said
A short time later the son returns home with 6 cartons of milk. The mother asked him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
 
The human brain is amazing....... It functions 24 hours a day from the time we are born, and only stops when we take exams
 
A quick bit of advice for any metal detector enthusiasts who are tired of spending whole days finding nothing:
Try visiting minefields, then the satisfaction comes from not finding anything.
 
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