jokes bad or otherwise.

[barmpot]

How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "999"?

 

[George]

I read that 98 % of all accidents occur within a 5 mile radius of the home, so I moved to a new house 8 miles away.

 

[maltrab]

I ordered a chicken and an egg off e-Bay last week, and thanks to the Royal Mail, I'll never know.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D how very true

 

[George]

I like to collect balloons.
Only problem is, people always think there's a party at my house.

 

[George]

I was watching the home shopping channel when it said" Forget eveything you know about washing machines"
It was a load of my mind.

 

[George]

Next time you're on a bus,turn round to the person behind you and demand they stop following you.

 

[George]

A fella is walking on a golf course and finds a golf ball. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
After a while he sees another man who says, pointing at the bump in his pocket: hey, what's that?
'A golf ball',he replies
'Oh...', says the other man, 'is that something like a tennis elbow...?'

 

[George]

My wife gave me a thesaurus for my birthday.
What an awful, atrocious, terrible, wretched, despicable present.

 

[barmpot]

So there're two fish in a tank. One says: "You man the guns and I'll drive."

 

[George]

Irony.
Drawing trees on paper.

 

[barmpot]

The following is perfectly logical to some .....


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[George]

The following is perfectly logical to some .....


A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

I like it ;D

 

[George]

I took my uncle to the cardiologist today, he was so annoyed he didn't get to see any card tricks,he nearly had a heart attack.

 

[George]

My mate has started dating a woman who shares his interest in headware...
They have a love hat relationship.

 

[George]

Police are looking for a man with honey, walnuts & filo pastry smeared on his face.
They say he was wearing a baklava.

 

[George]

Madame Tussauds have announced plans for a new evil dictator section including: Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, and Colonel Gaddafi.
The room will be empty, but we've just got to trust that they've got them.

 

[barmpot]

Since the snow started, all my wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

 

[George]

"I'm afraid you don't have long to live".
"How long have I got left doc?"
"You have 10...."
“10 what? Years, months. Days....?"
"9...8....."

 

[George]

I'm in one of those moods where I can't be bothered to finish anythi.........

 

[George]

My mate said to me, "Does every sentence have to contain a vegetable?"
I said, "Not nessacelery."