jokes bad or otherwise.

No, i didn't drink either. Had a big mug of hot coffee and a plate of blueberry muffins for breakfast and I'm having a great start to 2013! All the best, George, take care.
 
We're very sorry, but your password must have an uppercase letter, a lower case letter,
a number, a pronoun, a short poem, a hieroglyph, and the blood of your 1st born child.
 
Well done to the surgeons that successfully did the UK's first hand transplant.. ..
but if it goes wrong who will they point the finger at?
 
A really angry woman came into my shop earlier ranting and raving. "I want to speak to someone higher up!" She demanded..
So I stood on a chair.
 
I helped a old lady cross the road today, she turned and said, "well, that's your good deed done for today."
I replied with a wee smile, "No, no, I still have to go home and satisfy the wife."
"Lucky you," she said.
"No, not really, I have to do the dishes," I replied.
 
My wife told her friend that I started choking last night.
“What did you do?” she asked
“Took my hands off his throat” came the reply
 
I won the meat raffle in the pub.
Wasn't the answer his kids were expecting when they asked my mate how he met their mother.
 
From The Herald (Glasgow) Diary Annual - Christmas presnt from son:

My wife left a note on the fridge. "This isn't working anymore. I'm at the end of my tether. I'm away to stay at my mother's." I opened the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold. nothing wrong with the fridge. Nae idea what she's talking about.
 
Milky Way, 'the sweet you can eat between meals, without ruining your appetite'.
Rubbish - I ate 36 once and couldn't face my dinner.
 
I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.
Through alcohol and poor judgement.
 
BBC Football News;
'Wisdom agrees new Liverpool deal'
I wonder if he'll sing 'Don't laugh at me cos I'm at Pool”
 
At any given time, the urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
 
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