jokes bad or otherwise.

Pulled a "traveller" bird last night, she asked if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time. She wasn't kidding, I went on the dodgems ,the ghost train the waltzer and the coconut shy. I came home with a goldfish :)
 
Lately I've being pestered for money I apparently owe for some windows I had put in 6 months ago.
The lying buggers told me they'd pay for themselves in 6 months.
 
Did I ever post this before - I certainly intended to:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Sainsbury's
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Sainsbury's...
Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the
fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.'
One of the Staff passed out.
 
I've always wanted to try venison but thought it might be too expensive.
I got some in Tesco though and it turns out it's not dear at all.
 
Virgin Media's inspired new advert will include John Lennon's song 'Imagine'.
Which is all well and good until he gets to "... above us only Sky..."
 
."So how did the interview go?" my wife asked me.
"I'm not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I'm a hard working person, I get on well with others, I won't let anyone down, blah blah blah, but then he sort of looked at me funny."
"How come?" she replied.
"Because I said blah blah blah."
 
I told the barmaid in my local pub that our town has the highest rate of stalking in the whole of the UK.
She didn't believe me, so I mentioned it to her again while she was on the bus going home.
 
I was visiting my Granddad when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice, lad. You can't make an omelette....."
"Without breaking eggs." I interrupted.
"No, you can't make an omelette." he said, scraping it in the bin.
 
As we were driving down the road, my wife said, "Wind up your window."
"You're dirty and not even bulletproof", I said to it.
 
My boss asked me to find him a bulldog clip today.
So I emailed him a YouTube video of one riding a skateboard.
 
A business expert has claimed that the best way to negotiate a pay rise is not to ask for anything.
He was right. I gave it a try, and got exactly what I demanded.
 
So Winston Churchill is to appear on the back of the £5 note from 2016 well I for one shall spend them on the beaches.
 
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