jokes bad or otherwise.

David Miliband will be joining International Rescue.
In other news: Scott Tracy to stand as Labour candidate in South Shields By Election.
 
A man walks into the doctors,""doctor ,I've got a lettuce stuck up my bottom!!""
Drop your trousers and bend over" said the doctor.
"Can you see it doctor??"
"Yes ,but its only the tip of the iceberg!" said the doctor.
 
Just been overtaken by an AA manspeeding along talking to himself and crying.
That poor chaps heading for a breakdown I thought. ;)
 
Bob and Mike are sitting in the pub.
"It's funny," says Bob, "I was wondering for years where my wife spent her evenings."
"And you found out?" asks Mike.
"Aye," says Bob. "I went home early one evening last week and there she was."
 
My tight fisted neighbour came knocking yesterday and said, "Do you have any air tight plastic bags I can borrow?"
I said, "Yes, what do you want them for?"
He said, "I've got a gas leak."
 
As she was treating the cuts to my head, the nurse at A&E asked me how it had happened.
I said "I asked my barber to cut my hair like Stevie Wonder".
 
A rolled up umbrella and a man in a suit of armour with no arms, walked into a hotel reception.
"Hello Sir, Can I help?" said the receptionist.
"Yes," said the umbrella. "Can you put me up for the knight?"
 
Church Ladies With Typewriters


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------


Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------


Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------


For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------


Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------


Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------


A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------


Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------


Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------


The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------



Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------


The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
 
I was swimming in the sea when I noticed a big black fin coming towards me. So I shouted, "Shark!"
The shark raised its head out of the water and shouted, "What do you want?"
 
On the one hand, I was going to say that I have been running out of flitters all my life.

pe130406_zps011aeed3.gif


But also I could not but help think of "It All Began With an Old Volvo Headlamp". Okay, so maybe it was Cindy Fritters but many might pay for a tortuous mind like mine. Then again, maybe not.
 
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