jokes bad or otherwise.

My wife and I were in the middle of a heated argument when she said, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw you out that door?"
I replied, "I'm driving."
 
Shoppers have been evacuated from stores at a retail park in Southampton after a suspected gas leak.
A Russian spokesman has said "We are convinced that the gas board are not responsible for this and it's probably all down too the electricity company"
 
I am not sure how many of these four I might have posted already. Of them, I know two I had seen before.

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
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THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Today's Short Reading from the Bible
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!....
 
The Government has announced that benefit cheats will now be dealt with as harshly as fraudulent bankers.
I'm not sure giving them Knighthoods is the right way to go.
 
I see London Mayor Boris Johnson's proposing to fine Londoners who text while they're walking.
Personally I think it would be funnier to just put up more lamp posts.
 
"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.
"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.
"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."
 
"What happened to that bloke's face? It's all swollen."
"He ate some chips."
"Is he allergic to chips?"
"No, they were my chips."
 
I was reading a new report about Father's Day in the UK.
Over the last 20 years overall spending has almost tripled.
This is mostly due to advances in DNA profiling.
 
My mate was arrested for drunk driving on a motorized shopping cart at Asda.
Apparently he led the police on a chase that reached 90 aisles per hour.
 
In your morning cappuccino from high street chains, the CUP costs twice as much as the beans that are flown in from South America.
Yes and in motorway service stations the Cups actually taste better than the coffee
 
My mate said his wife wants them to be best friends.
So he opened a can of beer, and started telling her how fat his wife was getting.
 
"I went to the cinema last night and watched that film you recommended."
"What did you think?"
"It wasn't as good as the book."
"What book?"
"I had a feeling I'd get bored, so I took my Oor Wullie annual with me."
 
Miss Bournemouth had to drop out of the Miss U.K. Beauty Pageant after she was charged with identity theft.
It turns out her last name isn't even Bournemouth.
 
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