jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
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barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A small town had three churches -- and all three were virtually overrun with pesky squirrels.
The first church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that God must have wanted the squirrels there, and the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The second church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations, so they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The third church came up with the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
The first church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that God must have wanted the squirrels there, and the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The second church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations, so they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The third church came up with the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
“You name it, we’ll make it!” Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!”
“Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad with Russian dressing.”
“RUSSIAN DRESSING?!" Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?"
“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.”
Two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.
“Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad with Russian dressing.”
“RUSSIAN DRESSING?!" Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY?"
“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.”
Two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
Officers at a military installation were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
An 80 year old couple are making passionate love against a fence and an hour later they are still doing it . "Oh Henry in the 55 years we've been married you've never made such passionate love to me " . " I know" Henry replies " but when we started I didn't realise this was an Electrified Fence ! " .
An 80 year old couple are making passionate love against a fence and an hour later they are still doing it . "Oh Henry in the 55 years we've been married you've never made such passionate love to me " . " I know" Henry replies " but when we started I didn't realise this was an Electrified Fence ! " .
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
It was reported in the paper today that Archaeologists thought they had found a Snowmen's ancient burial ground while excavating a site . They later discovered it was actually just a field of carrots.
It was reported in the paper today that Archaeologists thought they had found a Snowmen's ancient burial ground while excavating a site . They later discovered it was actually just a field of carrots.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
A guy goes for a drink in a rooftop bar takes a seat next to a guy with muscles who has had several sherbets . Well they get talking and the guy with the muscles says to the guy and the Barman " You know the way the wind currents are around this building I bet you I can jump out the window and glide safely to the ground . " No way " says the guy at which point the muscle man gets up and leaps from the window. A few minutes later he appears in the bar and does the same thing again just to prove it was not a fluke and sure enough he appears in the bar again . The guy is astonished beyond words however the Barman says " Some days Superman you really $£"" me off ! "
A guy goes for a drink in a rooftop bar takes a seat next to a guy with muscles who has had several sherbets . Well they get talking and the guy with the muscles says to the guy and the Barman " You know the way the wind currents are around this building I bet you I can jump out the window and glide safely to the ground . " No way " says the guy at which point the muscle man gets up and leaps from the window. A few minutes later he appears in the bar and does the same thing again just to prove it was not a fluke and sure enough he appears in the bar again . The guy is astonished beyond words however the Barman says " Some days Superman you really $£"" me off ! "
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
jokes bad or otherwise
A guy goes into a DWP Office and tells the lady at the counter " Hello I have recently retired from work and I have come to fill in a form to claim my Pension " . The lady gives him a form and fills it in . When he hands back the completed form the lady asks if he has proof of his age . Well he rumbles through his pockets for ages but cannot find his driving licence . " Sorry I am going to go home and get it " . " Never mind that " the lady says " Just unbutton your shirt " . He duly does that and the lady says " That's fine I can see by the silver hair on your chest that you are old enough to be claiming your Pension " . He leaves the office ,heads home and tells his wife the tale. " You should have dropped your trousers as well you could have qualified for Disability Living Allowance"
A guy goes into a DWP Office and tells the lady at the counter " Hello I have recently retired from work and I have come to fill in a form to claim my Pension " . The lady gives him a form and fills it in . When he hands back the completed form the lady asks if he has proof of his age . Well he rumbles through his pockets for ages but cannot find his driving licence . " Sorry I am going to go home and get it " . " Never mind that " the lady says " Just unbutton your shirt " . He duly does that and the lady says " That's fine I can see by the silver hair on your chest that you are old enough to be claiming your Pension " . He leaves the office ,heads home and tells his wife the tale. " You should have dropped your trousers as well you could have qualified for Disability Living Allowance"