jokes bad or otherwise.

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks.
If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up.
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game.
The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
 
A guy goes into a bar orders a double whisky, downs it in one and looks into his shirt pocket , he buys another double whisky , downs it in one and looks into his shirt pocket . He repeats it several times until the barman cannot stand it any longer. " Hey mate you have ordered several double whiskys , downed them in one and then you look in your shirt pocket why ???? " Picture of the wife .... and when she looks good I'm going home"
 
The Judge said to the dentist...........................Do you promise to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth ??:08:
 
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls...

John: "What happened this time?"

Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?"

John: "Where are you?"

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."

John: "And where's the car?"

Jill: "It's in here with me."
 
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet along the lino to change the TV to one of two channels.
 
Our 10-year-old Mattie having a conversation with her grandmother while eating breakfast:

Mattie: Nanna, I'm a fat old man.

Grandmother: Mattie! What did you say?

Mattie: I'm a fat old man.

Grandmother: Now Mattie why would you say something like that?

Mattie: Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy.
 
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
 
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause alarm or worry, but shouldn't that be an even number?
 
God, Moses and Jesus are playing golf. Moses hits the ball straight into the lake but he strides up parts the water and chips the ball in the hole for a birdie 2 . Jesus hits his ball next straight into the lake . He strides up walks across the lake sees the ball , makes it rise to the surface and chips the ball in the hole for a birdie 2 . Finally God steps up hits the ball towards the lake as its about to go in a fish jumps up and swallows the ball . As it's falling back to the water a great eagle grabs the fish and flies off . As it is crossing the green it drops the fish and with the impact the fish spits the ball out and it rolls into the holf for a hole in one . Jesus turns to God and says " Sometimes Fatha you hack me off , you are such a show off" :08:
 
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