jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."
What's brown and sticky??........................................A stick !! 
................................Where you left it ! 
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
If Dick can get away with old groaners, so can I ...
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The woman says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on to him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road!
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label: "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The woman says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on to him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road!
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label: "Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
THINGS THE LECTURER SAYS AND WHAT HE REALLY MEANS
Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)
The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)
The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C)
Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone failed.)
It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)
Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.)
The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)
The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C)
Some of you could have done better.
(Everyone failed.)
It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)
Brian Johns
Dedicated Member
Ok here are another few oldies
QUOTES FROM MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
This Officer can be likened to a small puppy... he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.
He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He's so dense light bends around him.
If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
QUOTES FROM MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
This Officer can be likened to a small puppy... he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.
He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He's so dense light bends around him.
If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.